Friday, December 12, 2014

2014’s Biggest Disappointments

Come year’s end, many a movie or pop culture website will hit you with their best and worst of lists. Many will probably enjoy the latter more, as they fulfill the role of snarky bit of timewasting at work better than the former. However, I’ve found that many “Worst of” lists in any given year tend to focus on films that, well, no one in the readership actually saw. This is, of course, understandable – professional critics simply have to watch everything that’s out there. You may not think A HAUNTED HOUSE 2 looked any good and therefore avoided it, but there’s always some poor schmo out there that was paid to go and see it, resulting in it appearing on many such lists. And that’s not even taking into account all the crap that gets screened at film festivals that didn’t get distribution deals, so no one is likely to see them at all any time soon! With this in mind, here’s five of the most disappointing movies this year that you’ve probably actually seen!



I actually quite like Gareth Edwards’ GODZILLA, despite some minor misgivings. However, the early trailers seemed to indicate a truly apocalyptic disaster movie, something meditating on mankind’s place on the food chain, and how a creature such as Godzilla would disrupt balance. The well-made adventure movie we got was a nice consolation prize, but it would have been cool to see someone attempt to do something in the vein of the original GOJIRA.


With all the good reviews this one was getting, the amazing cast it boasted, and that one trailer that used “Come With Me” by Diddy*, I was actually pretty psyched for this movie despite the return of Mr. Bland, Bryan Singer. True to form, Singer sucked out all the energy of DOFP’s predecessor FIRST CLASS and delivered a two-and-a-half-hour classic the Singer way – awesome set piece in the middle, nothing too fancy on the sides. Watch this back to back with 12 YEARS A SLAVE if you want to see the extreme ends of the give-a-fuck scale for actors.


A really cool ten minute Spider-Man short that somehow ended up two and a half hours, ASM2 wouldn’t really have been a disappointment to anyone who had seen the first ASM and knew to stay away. Unfortunately, reviews coaxed me into going by promising true hammy madness! Even more disappointing that there were a few minor actually good elements in this movie, like Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone as Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy, respectively. Spider-Man’s Times Square fight with Electro is also really exciting. Too bad the story doesn’t really go anywhere! The fetishistic build-up to the first “accurate” cinematic depiction of comics’ original girlfriend-killing without even bothering to establish an enmity between Spider-Man and the villain who kills Gwen is… unfortunate, to say the least.


I love Dwayne Johnson and have been hoping for him to become a bonafide movie star for over a decade now. I had a lot of hopes for this one, but it was not to be. A movie populated with actors full of life undermined by a script that missed the bus by about ten years. This “realistic” take on Hercules sees the strongman as portrayed by Dwayne Johnson as the figurehead leader of a mercenary crew who greatly embellished the mythical 12 Labors. Unfortunately, Johnson cuts quite the mythical figure himself, and he is shown as very capable throughout the film (even punching out a horse at one point). So here’s a movie with a boring “real story behind the myth” angle undermined by having a main actor who sometimes does mythical stuff anyway… sort of? Either this movie should have been a full-on Greek myth fantasy extravaganza, or Johnson’s Hercules should have been a complete dimwit who relied on his old-timey pit crew for everything.


A well-acted film with some pretty cool action, some humorous character moments and no major filming equipment visible on screen at any time throughout. WINTER SOLDIER squanders a potentially interesting premise regarding the need for security vs. privacy by absolving all our heroes from any wrongdoing, stating that basically only a double Nazi would be in favor of surveillance. It also squanders any fun pulpy “Who is a secret double Nazi?” potential by having literally no one of import be a traitor. If your heart wasn’t broken by the betrayal of those two guys who were introduced in this very movie and were accompanied with ominous music from the start, surely it was in pieces over those old Marvel stand-bys of “Asshole Senator from IRON MAN 2” and “Glasses Agent Who Sometimes Stood Around A Bit”. In a Phase 2 where every movie was a leap ahead of its predecessor, CAP 2 stands out like a sore bionic thumb.

You know, the actual worst movie I’ve seen in theaters this year was probably A WINTER’S TALE, but shit, who the hell saw that? Let me ruin its surprise cameo, by the way!

Whooooo! Ha-haaaaa!

*this is a joke I know of led zeppelin my friend

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Kaiju Kavalcade Special: GODZILLA: THE SERIES (1999-2000)

In anticipation of the upcoming Memories of Monster Island e-book, Wholly on the Level brings you a very special edition of Kaiju Kavalcade! Strap yourselves in chaps, it’s gonna be a bumpy yet strangely uneventful ride!



My foolish, JURASSIC PARK-loving child-self of the late 90s quite liked Roland Emmerich’s GODZILLA. It had a big T-Rex and a bunch of raptors. That’s enough for a good movie, right? Combined with having grown up on the 80s Ninja Turtles cartoon and Thundercats, my brief, half-remembered glimpses of GODZILLA: THE SERIES from its airing on the BBC had me start this (sort of) rewatch with a note of optimism. Okay, it’s probably not a good sign that my vague positive memories of this show were from a time when I liked Emmerich’s movie and had good memories of the two aforementioned cartoons. But hey, Emmerich had removed so much of what made the G-man tick in his movie, replacing it with nothing, that a whole two seasons of Godzilla fighting other huge monsters surely had to have been a step in the right direction… right? Sorta! While GODZILLA: THE SERIES brings Godzilla closer to his native element, it also retains some unfortunate failings from the ’98 movie.

Picking up right where the movie left o—no wait, that’s not entirely accurate. The first episode actually starts with a really embarrassing-looking recreation of the final moments of GODZILLA 98. Not only do we get to watch a poorly animated version of the Zilla chase with the Reno-driven taxi, the resemblance to Jean Reno is… iffy. Of course, animated sequels or adaptations of live action properties aren’t obliged to be 100% faithful to the source material – that’d be boring! Artistic license man, go right ahead! In this case, however, the quality of the show just isn’t up to snuff with the comparisons it’s inevitably going to draw. Please consider something that looks so bad it just isn’t up to the quality of GODZILLA 98. G:TS has protagonist Nick Tatopolous (voiced by an amazingly terrible Ian Ziering) convince Major Hicks (actually Kevin Dunn reprising his role from the movie) to send a team to scour the tunnels under Madison Square Garden to make sure there aren’t any babyzilla eggs left. Of course THERE ARE and the last remaining babyzilla imprints upon our boy Nick like a magic vampire baby. Also, it is sterile so the extinction level event threat that the movie Godzilla posed is completely neutralized. He’s now a really big dog basically!

Nick establishes H.E.A.T., one of those classic comic book Cool Dude organizations with acronyms that are also words. Depending on the episode, it stands for either Humanitarian Ecological or Environmental Analysis Team. Who is all SUPERHEATED? Why, more GODZILLA 98 veterans, of course! There’s Elsie, the bespectacled red-headed paleontologist, and Mendel Craven, the guy who sneezed a lot (and whose actor voices him). New team members include Randy Hernandez, a slacker hip hopper metalhead surfer dude college intern. He’s pretty much whatever any episode needs him to be to desperately connect with FOX KIDS viewers! Finally, we have Monique du Pré, a French secret service agent left behind by Jean Reno to keep an eye on zeir leetle ackseedent. You can tell she’s a spy cuz she’s in all black with dark eye shadow and lipstick. I guess the belly shirt is to fit in with Americans? Hey Travis, what did you think of this MUTATION!



Luca, we could form our own H.E.A.T. team to hunt down these kind of mutations as children's programming was lousy with them in the late 90s/early 2000s. G:TS was one of many cartoons put out by Sony to extend the freshness dates of their franchises. We were also treated to MEN IN BLACK: THE SERIES, JUMANJI: THE SERIES, ROUGHNECKS: STARSHIP TROOPERS CHRONICLES, and even EXTREME GHOSTBUSTERS with a new group of multi-ethnic, ghostbustin' teens led by Egon Spengler. You can sense that Sony really wanted to milk these properties dry, and darn it all, they're gonna shove more Zilla in your face and Saturday morning cereal bowls, and you're gonna like it! Unfortunately, those same boring humans from the 1998 movie are coming along too. Nick is given a more youthful, athletic look but retains that black hole of charisma Matthew Broderick originally brought to the role. It's made even worse because Ziering is pretty horrible at voice acting. You how word balloons in comics have embolden words in the sentences for emphasis yet it's understood that the dialogue would flow naturally? Ziering speaks as though those embolden words have to be shout enunciated in actual speech. “We have to keep GODZILLA and that giant BUG away from the WATER.” He also does it in a tough, action-y movie voice that doesn't help him. The other characters are pretty much their one adjective descriptions: sassy Elsie, nerdy Mendel, hip Randy, french Monique.

But what about the domesticated Zilla Jr.? He's pretty personality-less too (like owner, like pet), but at least the cartoon gives him back the proper radioactive breath that was absent in the movie. He'll need it too for the scores of mutations the series throws at him. G:TS is your standard “monster of the week” show with all sorts of creatures and freaks of nature that Zilla and H.E.A.T. have to deal with. None of these new foes are as memorable as Mothra or King Ghidorah, but there's a fun variety displayed throughout the run. There are standard bugs, lizards, and mammals mutated by radioactivity, as well as a few ancient, slumbering giants now woken due to pesky people. Throw in some scientific anomalies (one episode features an electrical monster that is actually the physical manifestation of an human insomniac's repressed anger!), and you've got an eclectic mix of kaiju. Heck, even the original Zilla from G'98 is revived as a cyborg under alien control!

It's that willingness to go pulpy that puts G:TS in a peculiar spot. The vapid characterization and fairly limited animation certainly didn't help Zilla become more palpable to audience's tastes. And yet, having the cartoon include things like evil aliens or redneck monster hunters shows that the people involved seemed more eager to go into “crazy kaiju” territory than the G'98 filmmakers. I doubt anyone would find this series memorable, but for a toon that had to strip off the meat from its box office turkey, it made some passable leftovers. Salvageable, pleasant enough leftovers. Even though we were quite negative about Zilla The Movie, am I being too kind to Zilla The Cartoon?



In order to answer this in the negative, Travis, we should take a step back and consider the TV of the late 90s. In our era of streaming video on demand, binge-watching, season-long arcs and the dreaded SHOW MYTHOLOGY, we can’t really fathom picking and choosing a couple of episodes from a show and then being done with it. If you want a sampling of an American creative team trying out that old Godzilla stand-by of aliens wanting to take over the world via giant monster control, try the season 1 episode “Leviathan”, followed by the “Monster Wars” three-parter, also from the first season. If those eps please you, by all means, check them all out. The entire series is on Netflix Instant (for the moment), so there’s no one to hold you back.

If I can say anything nice about the show, it’s that the opening credits theme song is pretty catchy. I can hum it off by heart, and it’s been months since I last heard it! Like the American Godzilla itself, the monsters he faces are pretty cool-looking, ranging from giant regular animals to an actual goddamned sphinx. Speaking of the pulpiness the show dares to approach: in one episode there’s even ghosts (“The Ballad of the Gens du Marais”)! I’d recommend anyone who’s still legitimately interested in the show after seeing the episodes recommended above to just browse around, check out some synopses, and see what strikes your fancy. There’s a lot more interesting stuff out there for you to be wasting time on every single episode of this series! Like, uh… reading about Godzilla… yeah, that’s a good investment!

I agree with you on the series’ good points, Travis, and they do indeed make it stand out over the Emmerich film. They just can’t counteract the rote filler stuff that this show is padded with, even at only two seasons. The Emmerich movie doesn’t have the cool stuff the show has, but it also takes up far less of your time. Use this information how you will! I hope your brain doesn’t blow up like a N.I.G.E.L., Dr. Craven’s exploration bot who dies every episode in what seemed to me like a tip of the hat to SOUTH PARK. Only Trey Parker and Matt Stone stopped doing it eventually! The only thing GtS stopped doing was being aired – hi-yoooo!



Ohhh Zilla burn! I'll add that if you were a fan of the Hanna-Barbera Godzilla cartoon from the 70s, you might wanna give GtS a try too since they pretty much share the same plot. Both shows have scientific teams that cruise around the world exploring monster phenomena, and sooner or later, they call upon G when they're getting their asses kicked. Heck, both groups also sail around on a fancy, schmancy sea vessel stacked with sciencey doohickeys and weapons (the Calico in the HB toon, the H.E.A.T. Seeker in GtS). They also share annoying sidekicks in the form of Godzooky (a smaller, goofier flying version of G) and N.I.G.E.L. respectively. GtS might have the edge over the HB series for fans since it crushes or blows up N.I.G.E.L. on a consistent basis, while many kaiju viewers would've gladly seen 'lil Jar-Jarzilla die in many, many violent deaths.

In pop culture these days, we've seen a lot of flash in the pan celebrities from yesteryear attempt comebacks by mocking (or even destroying) their public image so they can build it back up. You could say that Zilla himself as slowly crawled his way back into acceptance with G-fans too. Though his feature film bombed, he had a small moment of self deprecation as he was annihilated by Toho's Godzilla in FINAL WARS, and in IDW's current RULERS OF EARTH comic series, he's been reintroduced as a very lethal, vicious creature. All of this plus a not-too-bad cartoon might rehabilitate him in people's eyes. There are many poor, pathetic animals in this world; won't you take in Zilla today?


The theme song evokes a prehistoric monster that Emmerichzilla pointedly isn’t.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Kamala Khan As The New Spider-Man: Why Captain America 3 Should Feature Miss Marvel


What a tumultuous time to be a comic book nerd! With studios throwing superheroes at you nearly all year round now, it can be tough to keep track of who’s living in the same universe with who. Not only do you need to know which characters are Marvel and which are DC, you also need to know which Marvel characters are Fox-Marvel, Sony-Marvel, or, well, Marvel-Marvel. In short:



Marvel: All the rest.

Before 2008, you could have said that Marvel was pretty much f’d in the a. Fox and Sony only have three heroes licensed, but they are the all-time biggies. Weird as it seems in retrospect, even Iron Man was a dopey second stringer in terms of mainstream recognition before Robert Downey Jr. made him a household name. So credit where credit’s due: Marvel Studios absolutely turned a frown into the craziest Joker-smile you could imagine over the last half decade or so. Critically as well as financially, nobody run this superhero game like Marvel Studios do.

This underdog status has been parlayed successfully by studio boss Kevin Feige into a reputation as “the studio that does it for the fans” rather than the foul bean counting sorcerers at WB who only care about their Acheronian paymasters! And whaddya know, the latest reveal from the Sony hacks seems to back that up: besides revealing that Hollywood power players have some scandalously bad e-mail etiquette, the released documents have, according to the Wall Street Journal, also made public that Marvel Studios has, in fact, reached out to the license-holders of Spider-Man’s cinematic adventures for a cross-studio team-up.

Spider-Man would have appeared in CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR, an adaptation of the 2006 Marvel event miniseries in which a superhero-related tragedy causes public outrage and drives a wedge in Marvel’s super-community. On one side there’s Tony Stark (Iron Man), who believes all superheroes should be registered and receive training, and on the other there’s Captain America, who believes that this would go against the right to privacy and vigilantism afforded every citizen of the United States.

Caught in the middle of all this was the ever-down-on-his-luck Peter Parker who took Tony’s offer of big bucks and a swanky penthouse and made his identity known to the public, saying he’d been Spider-Man since he was 15 years old. In the Civil War storyline, Peter was the everyman caught between Tony and Steve’s ideological battle.

The Everyman.

That’s been Peter Parker’s whole deal for half a century now. He tries his darnedest to please everyone in his life, but somehow always ends up with the shortest end of the stick. He’s the little guy who keeps his chin up, even though life throws every possible curvepumpkinbomb at him. Just trying to do right, you know?

It is exactly for this reason that Marvel Studios should not bother trying to get Spider-Man into their movies. The Marvel Cinematic Universe is probably the biggest thing in fandom right now. It’s what LORD OF THE RINGS was ten years ago, on an even wider scale. It’s hip! It’s happenin’! It’s everything Peter Parker isn’t.

Back in the 1960s, delinquent teens may have been a hot button issue, but a J. Jonah Jameson complaining about Spider-Man in 2014 would just make him seem brain-damaged. In a world of Darren Wilsons and Michael Browns, is there not even the tiniest bit of cognitive dissonance that may occur when you present modern-day audiences with a main character who is a handsome, physically powerful, white, straight male and then tell them his life is really, really hard?

Now, of course it is possible for a handsome, physically powerful, white, straight male to have a really hard life. But superhero comic books (and their movie adaptations) aren’t really about nuance. They’re about big, broad, colorful characters and outsized emotions and actions. What better way to illustrate the put-upon everyman than with Kamala Khan, aka Miss Marvel?

Imagine a young muslim Pakistani girl cowering, maybe in an amateurishly self-crafted supersuit, on a poster for CIVIL WAR in between Figures Of The Establishment RDJ and Chris Evans playing staredown. An image powerful enough that people might say hey, who is that girl and what’s her deal? Why is she making Cap and Tony fight?

Having a figure as iconic as Spider-Man in the middle would no doubt be even more evocative, but the point is simply that it wouldn’t be necessary. As stated before, Marvel Studios made these second stringers into billion dollar characters. Cap and Tony by themselves turn top-five-of-the-year grosses.

Fans might say, but Kamala Khan names herself Miss Marvel because she’s a Carol Danvers fangirl, and she’s an Inhuman, and both CAPTAIN MARVEL and INHUMANS are scheduled for release years after CIVIL WAR!!!

Well shit man, what can I tell ya? We got an Ultron made by Tony Stark here, we got Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver who aren’t related to Magneto, we got a Nova Corps that doesn’t really resemble any Nova Corps on the page, we got a Miami Vice goon for a Mandarin, we got Janet Van Dyne dying off-screen if reports are to be believed… what I’m saying is, adaptations happen.

There’s at least four Inhumans awakened in the MCU so far, why not make a little blu-ray One-Shot showing Kamala getting her powers and introduce her as a fait accompli in CIVIL WAR? Why not have her be a one-episode case that superpowered PI Jessica Jones encounters in her own 2015 Netflix series? You could have her be inspired by Captain Marvel even after superheroing for quite a while – how long did they call Green Arrow “the Hood” and the Flash “the Streak” on their respective CW shows?

Marvel Comics recently canceled one of their flagship titles, Fantastic Four. Rumor has it this was done to spite the upcoming Fox-produced adaptation. I’m not calling for something quite so dramatic, but it’s time Marvel realized they can say “Frankly? We no care” when it comes to Spider-Man movies.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The Case Against A Black Widow Solo Movie

With the recent unveiling of Marvel Studios’ plans for Phase 3 and the long-awaited inclusion of non-white and non-male heroes as protagonists in their proper films, some fans expressed disappointment with the lack of a Black Widow solo film. Here’s why that’s not such an interesting prospect as it may seem at first glance.

First things first, as nothing is ever black and white except for the morality in Captain America movies*: there is at least one all-encompassing, shut-the-whole-thing-down argument in favor of a Black Widow solo film, and it’s a tune we’ve all been singing for a while. Big mainstream Hollywood blockbusters with female leads, while growing steadily in number, are still far too much of a minority. If Marvel Studios can contribute to that with more than one entry over the next coming five years, that’d be great. If they do make it, I will support it, because that’s what you do.

Why not, then? Let’s run down the reasons against the opening of a certain red-splotched ledger, one at a time.

1.) We’ve Seen Black Widow

Super-spy Natasha Romanoff is one of those superheroes in the classic Batman mold. No superpowers – just her wits, physical training, and the occasional cool gadget. It’s nice and budget-conscious for the thrifty studio who likes a large roster of marketable names without having to spend a big CGI budget on every one of them (see also: Hawkeye, Nick Fury, Mockingbird). This doesn’t need to be a bad thing: it takes all kinds to fill a fictional universe as well. And besides, Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow is never less than fun, cool, badass, smart, sexy, in any of her performances in the Marvel Cinematic Universe so far.

So, by virtue of the very character, what kind of movie would we be getting? Quite likely a  spy thriller, perhaps advertised as “gritty”, “morally grey”, “low-key” (not the Hiddleston kind) and other such buzzwords. Does that sound familiar? If you thought of CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, you win the No Prize!

One of the strengths of the MCU has been their diversity of storytelling (if not exactly, prior to the recent Phase 3 reveals, casting). With Iron Man, you could follow the high-life hi-jinks of a playboy millionaire inventor in a robot suit, peppered (heh) with some screwball comedy for good measure. With Thor, you could be witness to the galactic high fantasy melodrama of the Asgardian courts, as well as battles across the Nine Realms. Due to the character’s origin, Captain America is the only one that had a major shift in tone from his first movie to the second – from his origins as a WWII-era do-gooder to a modern-day super-powered government operative tangled up in a BOURNE-like web of intrigue. If you don’t like the IRON MAN movies, THOR could very well be your thang. If you don’t like THOR, why not try a CAPTAIN AMERICA? That’s actually a hell of a smart business decision from Marvel!

Now ask yourself, if Black Widow got her own movie, what would it offer that WINTER SOLDIER already didn’t, besides more screen time for ScarJo?

CAPTAIN MARVEL will be a movie that will basically feature a female Superman, something completely new in the MCU wheelhouse. The Jessica Jones Netflix miniseries will focus on a female private eye who used to be a superhero but retired (unless, of course, they’re changing the whole origin up, which is always possible). There’s Kamala Khan, the Pakistani-American teenager who gains shapeshifting powers after she is exposed to the Inhumans’ Terrigen Mists** and becomes Miss Marvel. She could bring the very first teen perspective to the MCU! Honest question – why bother getting the Spider-Man rights back from Sony if you’re sitting on Kamala Khan whose movie would very much be like a Spidey in tone? With the proper marketing you can definitely get the YA crowds in for this one.

2.) Marvel Does Not Wish To Offend

Black Widow is a far more morally gray character than Captain America. She’s ready to get dirty in a way that our favorite Jack Kirby boy scout isn’t – as evidenced in her dropping Agent Sitwell off a roof in CAP 2 and the many references to a past she isn’t very proud of in AVENGERS, mainly memorable for the hilarious “red on my ledger” meme. Well, there’s your answer – a Black Widow film would stand out simply by virtue of being darker and more edgy than a Cap movie. And yeah, you could totally make something dark and edgy within PG-13 confines – just look at the BOURNE movies, SKYFALL, THE DARK KNIGHT, etc.

Absolutely true, but Marvel is not interested in offending anyone. A movie carrying the Marvel brand has a certain set of values we’ve only been very briefly privy of in the MCU’s six year existence.

When Shane Black delivered the first draft of IRON MAN 3 – for my money still the best MCU movie by far – Tony Stark dropped five f-bombs. PG-13 allows you three. However, he was told that he could not have a single instance of it. Marvel simply telling him he’d have to cut it down to PG-13 levels would have been understandable, but none at all? These heroes need to be squeaky clean for maximum four quadrant coverage – basically pleasant network TV protagonists with an 8 figure budget. It makes sense there would be editorial policy on not having characters like goody two-shoes Captain America or Spider-Man swear, but rakish playboy Tony Stark? A man of seedy character whose whole arc is that he becomes more responsible? Taking all the f-bombs out of that guy’s mouth ain’t based in character anymore.

But hey, maybe that’s just because, when it comes to characters Marvel still has the movie license for, Iron Man is their flagship dude, the one that started it all. Makes sense that they’d want their superstar character have the edges sanded off a bit. Smaller characters could conceivably be a little more risqué. Why yes, they could be – were it not for the tiny (hehh) matter of ANT-MAN!

You’ve heard of the ANT-MAN debacle: In pre-production in some form of another with SHAUN OF THE DEAD director Edgar Wright since 2006, the film got a complete overhaul earlier this year with a change of director and script. One of the reasons Wright walked was Marvel’s issue with some of the characters’ “core morality”. After sending several drafts co-written with Joe Cornish and still not getting the okay, Wright received a Marvel-approved version of the script, rewritten by two other writers. This broke the yellowjacket’s back for Wright and he and the studio parted amicably. It seems that, even for completely unknown heroes with an almost non-existent fanbase, Marvel has a very specific idea of what is appropriate conduct for their heroes.

Do you still believe an actual Avenger like Black Widow – a character far more visible in the popular consciousness than Ant-Man right now – would get to do anything remotely controversial in her solo movie? Her dark deeds are left in the shadows as of now, and that’s probably where they’re going to stay.

3.) ScarJo Has Enough Money

I assume if you’re reading this that you’re a Marvel fan. Heck, so am I! I like all the movies and love quite a few! Excellent casting all around – boy, those actors really exude charisma and fun times. It must be such a blast to make them! Well… maybe. Thing is, we can never really know. We’re always on the outside looking in. What we see is really just proof of how good the principal Marvel actors are at manipulating the press and their social media presence. But for the sake of argument, let’s say that all these movies are funtimes for all involved. There’s still the very real possibility that they are still just paycheck gigs, and that the actors may want to do stuff that they’re actually intellectually/morally invested in. The more popcorn movies they make, the less time they have to put into these movies. ScarJo is – next to Robert Downey Jr – probably the biggest Legit Movie Star the studio has under contract right now, and she should be able to do whatever the hell she wants in her time between pleasant popcorn movies.***

You’ve seen X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST and the pleading “kill me! killl meeee!” expressions of Oscar Nominee Michael Fassbender. Do you really want this to happen to ScarJo? How selfish can you be, fandom!

So what say you, loyal WotL readers? Should I be on Hydra’s to-laser list? Or are my opinions worthy of lifting Mjolnir? Are you simply confused that there was not a single mention of Gigan in this blog post? Let me know!

*Hehe yeah, I’ve seen WINTER SOLDIER, what’re you gonna do about it?

**Yes yes, a Terrigen BOMB technically.

***Being on the outside looking in works both ways, of course, and maybe ScarJo sees stuff like UNDER THE SKIN as her “time too relax” movies and Widow is where she can really bring out the big acting guns. We just don’t know!

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Kaiju Kavalcade: Epilogue

Welcome to KAIJU KAVALCADE, wherein the effervescent Travis Kirkland and myself will be revisiting every single Kaiju Klassik by Toho Studios starring Godzilla, most famous of all giant monsters, in the run-up to the release of Gareth Edwards’ upcoming new take on the big G-dude! Your humble servant is but a novice in all things giant monsters, whereas Travis has been a fan all of his life. This is reflected in our respective titles for the series: if you follow it on Travis’ blog Proton Media, KAIJU KAVALCADE will seem like the knock-off Raymond Burr version of MEMORIES OF MONSTER ISLAND.


What a wild and thunderous ride it has been, Travis. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil. I will also say I think I’ve exhausted RETURN OF THE KING references thoroughly after having reached ending milestones for three different eras of Godzilla, so excuse me for going to that well again. I came to Godzilla with the vaguest impressions laid on me by children’s pop culture, a half-remembered late night viewing of a Heisei movie, and Emmerich’s 1998 disaster. I leave him thirty movies (for the moment) later, far wiser in my nerd knowledge and with a vast new wing added to my mind palace of useless information.

Real life circumstances conspired against us and saw our journey only halfway finished by the time Gareth Evans’ 2014 iteration of the big guy came out, so please accept our apologies, dear reader, for not sticking to our original mission statement. We hope that after our premature climax the remainder of the reviews were not tarnished by our appearing too tired or burned out on Big G. Unlike some Godzilla movies, it was a labor of love all the way!

On this journey through the archipelago of the Monster/Solgell/Birth islands, I have learned that while he may certainly resemble one to the untrained eye, Godzilla is no monolith. Whether your jam is the Lovecraftian spectre from the sea in the original GOJIRA, the ghost of Japan’s war crimes in GMK, the superhero from TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA or Hollywood’s most recent guardian of vaguely defined natural balance, the big guy must always stand for something. Like Batman or James Bond, there are many Godzillas, all reflective of the times that they belong to.
Modern day bard of the proletariat A.P. Clarke once said that to really understand an era, you should look to its mainstream comfort food. Watching, reading, or listening to the visions of auteurs with a real message will enlighten you and broaden your vision, but there is insight at the bottom of a box of popcorn as well. Take the unexpectedly sad little moments sprinkled throughout ALL MONSTERS ATTACK, an entry derided by fans for its lack of weight and kid oriented tone. The moral of this children’s film does not state “Make time for family”, it is “Sacrifices in daily life are necessary”. That’s unthinkable on, say, an episode of any Disney XD sitcom. In an absolute kiddie panderfest like AMA, that really says something about increasingly industrialized late 60s Japanese society.

Also: monsters smashed shit up good. Let’s not grow too big for our breeches like a derp-voiced Minilla here, and pay some tribute to the real reason why we watch these things: big rawr go boom. They sure did a lot, and it made me laugh and sometimes go “whoaa!”. And that was very cool.

I know that there is very little tolerance for cheese and earnestness among a readership who likes Godzilla, but I will venture into these murky waters anyway. My favorite thing about doing this whole series was my close collaboration with Travis Kirkland. Believe it or not, dear readers, but I barely knew the man before this besides enjoying his occasional internet witticisms! This journey I probably would not have finished without the support we gave each other constantly, and with a minimum prodding. I think I can recall maybe two or three “You okay, dude?” messages over a whole year. Yes, we kept each other going! Friendship bloomed on the kaiju battlefield…

Oh, and because I am a stickler for tradition: Sayonara, Gojira-saaaan! Sayonaraaaaaaaa!


With pop culture becoming more and more instantly archived, it's easy to be insulated in a cocoon of nostalgia.  Take one look at social media, and you could surmise that this generation is made up of perpetual children, happily lost among the cartoons and toys they grew up with.  Since studios are ready to recycle any properties for the sake of sentimental box office, anyone can be “forever young” watching new adventures of their favorite heroes.  Speaking for myself, I still enjoyably guzzle down the pop of yesteryear, yet I try not to have it dominate my life for the sake of adulthood and the reassuring wisdom that comes with it.  However, the giddy adult who sat in the dark theater to watch Gareth Edwards' GODZILLA was the same impressionable kid that spent his school night captivated by his first sight of kaiju films on midnight TV.  Forever young.

What have I learned about the big guy in the intervening years?  As Luca has pointed out, Godzilla has always been a representation of any important matters (nature, science, history, heroism, etc.)  Yet what underlies all of these portrayals?  Power.  Like many monsters, he's the grotesque that upsets our balance when arrogance is left unchecked.  He cannot be defeated; mankind can only shift and adjust to his existence.  His destruction can bring about our end, or save us from horrors more unimaginable than him.  In any case, he's a force that can't be contained.  When Toho unleashed GOJIRA in 1954, they couldn't have imagined the legions of filmmakers and fans they would inspire all these years later.  Whether you're a helpless Tokyo citizen running from his disastrous path or a fanatic filling up your room with kaiju memorabilia, it's Godzilla's world.  We're just living in it.

Before we part, I must express gratitude to a few people.  Dad and Mom indulged my childhood with its constant need for Godzilla anything, and it's truly them that set off the atomic bomb that mutated a young boy into the G-writer he is today.  A huge thank you to all the readers, friends, and fans that have joined Luca and I on our journey.  Many of you came out of the woodwork as G-fans, and it was always delightfully surprising to hear one of you ask when the next review was coming.  Much thanks for your support and nice words.  Most of all, my greatest and sincerest gratefulness is to my writing partner Luca Saitta.  I've always wanted to do a long term G-retrospective, and it was Luca who had the idea to team up for this adventure.  It's been a pleasure seeing you indoctrinated into the world of kaiju, and seeing your reactions was the true highlight of this experience.  I couldn't have asked for a better ally this side of Anguirus.

I imagine Godzilla will always be a part of my life.  A foot-tall plastic toy of the big guy given to me as a childhood present still takes residence in my room, having seen many action figures and dolls of my younger days come and go.  It stays in my life because it reminds me of pleasant times.  Of buildings smashed to smithereens.  Of roaring monsters grappling and wrestling.  Of examining film by film why he's truly earned the title of the King of the Monsters.  It's these impressions and many more that are my fondest, happiest memories of Monster Island.


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Kaiju Kavalcade #29: GODZILLA: FINAL WARS

Welcome to KAIJU KAVALCADE, wherein the effervescent Travis Kirkland and myself will be revisiting every single Kaiju Klassik by Toho Studios starring Godzilla, most famous of all giant monsters, in the run-up to the release of Gareth Edwards’ upcoming new take on the big G-dude! Your humble servant is but a novice in all things giant monsters, whereas Travis has been a fan all of his life. This is reflected in our respective titles for the series: if you follow it on Travis’ blog Proton Media, KAIJU KAVALCADE will seem like the knock-off Raymond Burr version of MEMORIES OF MONSTER ISLAND.



Well... gee.

Ryuhei Kitamura’s GODZILLA: FINAL WARS is not a movie one should unwind with after a hard day’s work. If Godzilla movies (or kaiju flicks in general) are delicious junk food to be consumed as a guilty pleasure now and then, FINAL WARS is a cake that’s 70% frosting, 30% cookie dough and 5% XTC. I am aware that that is more than 100%, but I feel like that’s the only way to accurately describe FINAL WARS. It’s more than 100% FINAL WARS at all times. The story boils down to a remake of INVASION OF ASTRO MONSTER mashed up with a bit of DESTROY ALL MONSTERS for good measure. The Xilians even have the snappy sunglasses from ASTRO MONSTER! Rather than lying about trading a cure for cancer for the limited-time use of Godzilla and Rodan to beat back King Ghidorah, the Xilians this time lie about a huge asteroid named Gorath headed for Earth, which can only be repelled once the Earthlings gather up all their weapons in one place and… something. Before this ruse, though, the Xilians teleport all monsters to… somewhere? To gain the Earth’s trust, of course!

I was awake and conscious the entire runtime of this movie, and I did not imbibe or partake in any mind-altering substances. Maybe it was said where Earth’s weapons had to be placed or where the monsters were teleported to (one assumes on board gigantic holding ships) but honestly, after these two things occur, SO MUCH happens until the end of the movie that anyone could be forgiven for not registering such little trivialities as major plot catalysts. The aliens lie, their ruse is found out, and a young hotshot Xilian summarily executes his superior and takes over command in lieu of a more violent approach: unleash all monsters until the Earth is bludgeoned into submission! Oh yeah, there was no asteroid – it was just a clever Photoshop of a bunch of unrelated space phenomena. Luckily, there is ONE monster out there that has evaded Xilian control – Godzilla.

In the final alternate timeline (so far) of the Toho Godzilla series, Big G was contained on the South Pole after a big battle with Earth Defence Force vehicle Gotengo in… the 80s? If we assume FINAL WARS is in 2004 and Colonel Gordon (who looks about in his forties) says he was in that fateful assault, it’s probably around the 80s. Anyway, our heroic band of humans must head to the South Pole to free G so he can take the fight to all the mind-controlled kaiju and rid the Earth of that Xilian menace once and for all. Oh, did I mention that mutants have been living among humans for decades now? Their blood contains M-BASE, a substance also found in the fossilized Gigan that the EDF has hanging around. Could they be related? Our main guy Ozami is one of these mutants, and an EDF soldier to boot. He believes kindness is key to protecting humanity, while his frenemy Kazama believes mutants are made to fight, not protect humankind. I’m… not quite sure what these mutants do. They jump high and stuff? Know super good martial arts? Oh man, and there’s so much more stuff I could talk to you about here. But Travis, why don’t you tell me what you thought once your headache subsides!



Boy howdy, Luca!  Toho knows how to take advantage of G's milestones, and GFW was the supersized birthday cake stacked to the brim with white hot sparklers as candles for his 50th anniversary in 2004 (G even got his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame as commemoration!).  Even though fan reaction to the film was a bit divisive, there's no denying how joyful it was to see how packed GFW was with pure Toho-ness!  First off, what a monster roll call!  We got G, Minilla, Mothra, Rodan, Anguirus, King Caesar, Ebirah, Kumonga, Kamacuras, Hedorah, Manda, Zilla (from the '98 US film), Gigan, and King Ghidorah (reprised as the bipedal final boss Monster X/Keizer Ghidorah), as well as stock footage cameos of Varan, Baragon, Gaira, Gezora, Titanosaurus, Mechagodzilla, Megaguirus, and Godzilla Junior.  The cast too has many returning faces such as Showa mainstays Akira Takarada and Kumi Mizuno.  In addition, the main weapon of the good guys is the battleship Gotengo, which debuted alongside Manda in ATRAGON (both are seen once again in underwater battle in GFW).  Even the Xillians' faux asteroid is named after the 1962 sci fi film GORATH!  Pick up your baskets, G fanatics, because it's Easter egg season!

The mutants are a fun bunch too.  I think Kitamura only included them so he could have as many wire-fu fights as he wanted.  In the long line of Toho “borrowing” from popular American movies, the connections between Ozaki and young alien leader X are pretty much parallels to Neo and Agent Smith from THE MATRIX.  Both are powerful beings with one wanting to rule mankind as livestock while the other fights for humanity and ultimately taps into his god-like abilities to win the day.  Similarly, Smith's lively performance was my favorite from the MATRIX films, and the overacting X was my MVP pick in the non-kaiju acting department.  I particularly enjoyed watching his heartthrob status when he's surrounded by adoring teeny-bopper fans at his radio station appearance.  He's just loving putting one over on the humans!  You also gotta admire his variety of over-the-top arm gestures as he commands the various kaiju and spaceships attacking Earth.  The moment he finally won my heart was when he clenched his fists and commanded the dispatch of Gigan with an Oscar-worthy scream of “GIIIIIIGAANNNNNN!!!!!!”

You'd think a movie with all this slam packed goodness would be universally loved by G fans, but it surprisingly isn't the case.  The two biggest complaints I've heard are 1) there's too much human/mutant/alien action and not enough kaiju content and 2) the monster fights are too short.  Now, I don't think these assessments are necessarily wrong, but it seems like a case of focusing on the minutiae and ignoring the bigger picture.  To address the first complaint, there's always been human filler in the G films, and GFW is no exception.  However, Kitamura switches out ponderous scenes of people in labs or government buildings for ACTION ACTION ACTION.  What would you rather watch?  Another routine moment of scientists and military men arguing over nuclear politics or two mutants delivering flying kicks to each other on motorcycles?  As for the second complaint, while the fights are shorter, GFW makes up for it by giving us A BUNCH OF MONSTER FIGHTS.  G vs. Kumonga!  Ebirah vs. mutants!  Mothra vs. Gigan!  And so forth!  Not only are there a lot of battles, but they're so many awesome action beats stuffed in each one.  This review could've easily been just a BuzzFeed “list-icle” called 25 INSANELY EPIC MOMENTS FROM GODZILLA: FINAL WARS (gifs and all)!  I'll start off with one:  even if some G fans were disappointed with GFW, you can't deny how insane it was to watch Angy curl up into Soccer Ball Mode so King Caesar could give him the winning fly-kick at G. GFW definitely ended the Millennium era on a high note, Luca, so what were your favorite moments, and how do you feel about the M-movies in general?



Yeah, I think FUTBOLZILLA was probably the high point of the movie, kaiju-wise. An entry worthy of the “Stupid Shit Toho Makes Godzilla Do For Fun And Profit” annals! Since they were sorta redoing ASTRO MONSTER again, it was only fitting that they’d try and top the Godzilla victory dance from that movie. As you said, basically everything X does is giggle-worthy. But you know what? Most things the humans do in this movie are giggle-worthy. Why is Colonel Gordon a weird katana wielding Zangief? Why is the Godzilla containment facility seemingly manned by no one but nihilistic Balrog and E. Honda? Seriously, at the news of the apocalyptic Xilian invasion, Honda says “Good! I’ll be able to read in peace!” Oh man, and the pug subplot! I was already heartily chuckling at an interview with “the first Japanese Secretary General of the UN” suddenly and pointlessly being derailed into talking about his pug Clint, so you can imagine how delighted I was that Clint became a big plot point and running gag. He’s even there to wave Godzilla goodbye in traditional Showa fashion!

Oh oh oh! I also loved the callback to fan non-favorite ALL MONSTERS ATTACK/GODZILLA’S REVENGE when Minilla was suddenly able to change size at will so the Godzilla/Minilla suit actors could interact without the interference of green screen. The fact that Kitamura even remembers that makes me think he’s not exactly a guy who doesn’t care about Godzilla who landed the gig of doing a Godzilla movie (see: Bay, Michael), just one who has verrrry specific tastes when it comes to the big G. And honestly, I couldn’t be happier. Oh oh oh oh again! When Mr. Secretary and Commander Lady are revealed to be not only alive but apparently not restrained in any way and come in John Woo guns blazing? Who cares that there’s little monster content! “They call me Mr. Infallible!” I can see why, sir!

Oh man, I think, in a way the Millennium series might be my favorite? Toho finally caving and letting directors do what-the-fuck ever with G without regards to continuity is a wonderful idea, and one that really hearkens back to the Showa era's freewheeling attitude. I respect Heisei for trying to craft a relatively "serious" series where each film builds upon the next but, as we've talked about before, there really is a limit to what you can do with big monster stories. So Millennium just went bugfuck and ran with it, man! True, G2K and MEGAGUIRUS are fairly standard (if still well done) Godzilla plots, but just for the Kiryu duology and FINAL WARS, I give them all the credit. What are your feelings on the Millennium-era, T-Hawk?



If anything, I'm happy that the Millennium era managed to make the preposterously awesome Gigan even more crazy looking.  We've already discussed how Rob Liefeld-ian his design is, but GFW kicks it up a notch.  He's killed off early in the film by G at the South Pole, and after G's clobbered his way through the rest of the kaiju to the Xilians, he's revived and re-weaponized with a more cybernetic look.  Not only that, but his hook claws are replaced by DOUBLE CHAINSAWS.  Go ahead and slap Chainsaw Gigan on a YOUNGBLOOD cover already!  I also gotta mention Mothra's sweet finishing move to the Nebula Space M Hunter.  Gigan shoots twin razor discs at her, only to have them deflected by her wings and sent flying back at his neck.  His decapitated head falls to the ground, and Mothra incinerates the rest of him in a fiery, Phoenix explosion!  FATALITY.

There's definitely wilder experimentation in the Millennium era than the Heisei era, and I think the key difference between the two cycles can be found in the choice of directors.  They are fine Heisei flicks of course, yet most of them were made by longtime Toho company men who “stuck to formula” for better or worse.  The Millennium series could be compared to the current Marvel Cinematic Universe films in that the most vibrant entries are those where the helmers married their own idiosyncrasies with their childhood fondness of their beloved geek properties.  People like Joss Whedon and Shane Black brought excitement to Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and similarily, 'zilla-buffs Kitamura and Shusuke Kaneko breathed fresh life into the King of the Monsters for the new century.  From watching MONSTERS, it shouldn't be a surprise that G-nerd Gareth Edwards was chosen to give the big guy another shot at American fame.

And maybe it was time to cross the Atlantic again.  Despite all the 50th anniversary trumpeting, GFW ended up being the lowest grossing of all the Millennium films.  Perhaps fittingly, the final M-era flick was also the least attended G-film since TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA (which ended the Showa series also due to poor box office).  Yet again, the King of the Monsters was defeated by ticket sales, and as popular US blockbusters became more prominent in Japan, competition grew fiercer than any kaiju from the sea or outer space.  America had forced Godzilla out of Tokyo's theaters, so maybe it was time to pay the United States a visit...

We've completed the entire G film series at last, but we haven't reached the end yet!  Stay tuned as Luca and I wrap up our final thoughts on Godzilla, the franchise, our histories with the big guy, and everything else in between!  Keep your eyes focused on Monster Island!

Friday, July 11, 2014

Kaiju Kavalcade #28: GODZILLA: TOKYO SOS

Welcome to KAIJU KAVALCADE, wherein the effervescent Travis Kirkland and myself will be revisiting every single Kaiju Klassik by Toho Studios starring Godzilla, most famous of all giant monsters, in the run-up to the release of Gareth Edwards’ upcoming new take on the big G-dude! Your humble servant is but a novice in all things giant monsters, whereas Travis has been a fan all of his life. This is reflected in our respective titles for the series: if you follow it on Travis’ blog Proton Media, KAIJU KAVALCADE will seem like the knock-off Raymond Burr version of MEMORIES OF MONSTER ISLAND.



By this point in the Millennium era, you're probably used to Toho hitting the reboot button again and again. But surprise! GODZILLA: TOKYO S.O.S. directly follows the events of GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA, and even Yashiro from GAM makes a cameo to say farewell to Kiryu before shipping off to America. Godzilla is still at large, and the usage of Kiryu remains a controversial topic as people fear that its sentience may cause it to run amok again. Humans aren't the only ones concerned with the big robot though. Mothra and her twin fairies soon appear in Japan to deliver a warning: the original bones of Godzilla encased in Kiryu must be brought to the sea for its final resting place, or Mothra will ravage mankind for disrupting nature. You'd think the government would learn by now to fully respect the environment lest you fear the wrath of a giant moth goddess but whatever. Moral and ethical quandaries are set aside as Mothra, her two newborn larvae, Kiryu, and the military are thrust into an epic, final battle with the King of the Monsters.

Not only is SOS a sequel to GAM, but it's also a follow-up to the original MOTHRA from 1961. G-veteran Hiroshi Koizumi reprises his MOTHRA role as Dr. Shinichi Chujo, now retired and caring for his son Yoshito and grandson Shun. It's really heartwarming to watch him reunite with the twin fairies and fondly reminisce on his time on Infant Island. We've talked before about how Mothra tends to dominate the G films she stars in, and SOS is no different. Her benevolent presence is in contrast to the rest of the rough and tumble kaiju, and she always brings a glimmer of hope to the proceedings. But oh man, let's talk about the Mothra feelz in SOS! Similar to MOTHRA VS. GODZILLA, she fights to the death with Godzilla, and her caterpillar offspring hatch out of their egg to avenge their dying mother. As a final act of bravery, she sacrifices herself by shielding her babies from G's atomic breath with her body and erupts in a Phoenix-like, moth-shaped explosion of flames and twinkling sparkles. Sure, we've seen this circle of life with Mothra play out before, but you can't help but feel a little sad when the two larvae chirp mournfully over the loss of their mom.

MOTHRA isn't the only Showa thread SOS picks up. I joked in the GAM review about including SPACE AMOEBA in this a la carte continuity, and by golly, I totally forgot that SOS drops a big ol' reference to the 1970 film in the form of the dead carcass of Kamoebas (the giant rock turtle from said movie). His body is found washed ashore on the beach, and it's assumed that he was a victim of G's attacks. The characters even talk up specific plot points from AMOEBA (retitled and redubbed as YOG: MONSTER FROM SPACE in America)! I guess if you wanna drop an Easter egg, you gotta drop it hard! Of course, SOS also follows GOJIRA as the spirit of the first G still inhabits Kiryu. Though FINAL WARS would be the last Toho entry (for now...?), there's a nice, symbolic finality to SOS's ending with the original Gojira and the Millennium Godzilla plummeting together to their end leagues below the seas. So many kaiju emotions going on in this flick, Luca!



Oh man, are you kidding me with these feelz right now, Toho? TOKYO SOS really doubles down on GAM’s casual mention of MOTHRA and WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS by making the events of MOTHRA absolutely crucial to the story. I was utterly delighted to see Hiroshi Koizumi again, as he was one of my favorite Showa stars! He was also one of the very few who got to reprise a role from MOTHRA to MOTHRA VS. GODZILLA. Really glad I watched our favorite moth goddess’ original outing now so that I can fully appreciate the emotions washing over me to see this classic Toho actor come back. I’m sounding super snarky, but I’m not! Koizumi has this really warm, affable energy to him that I greatly enjoyed in a series of movies where humans are usually a sideshow or an afterthought. To see him in a 2003 movie as a grandfather is almost like his destiny as an actor fulfilled. This is what you were born to do, buddy! Thanks, Toho for going full tumblr on us with this one!

It’s not just Koizumi’s return and the pick-and-choosing of what seems like the director and writer’s favorite Showa movies for background, it’s that whole tone of sorrow and regret that permeates TOKYO SOS. Mothra is already the most melancholy kaiju of all, but now it’s bleeding through to MechaGodzilla as well! Akane tells mechanic protagonist Yoshito that Kiryu looks “sad” and that “maybe he doesn’t want to fight anymore.” This is all accompanied by sweeping strings and a sad goodbye to the giant robot dinosaur as the last movie’s protagonist goes to the States for “strategy training.” I think it’s, in fact, quite telling that this movie’s human hero is a mechanic rather than a hot shot Maverick pilot or tomb raiding Indiana Jones style scientist. TOKYO SOS is all about atonement, about fixing the errors of the past, to a far greater degree than we’ve seen in any Zilla movie so far.

It’s strange to think of this movie as a direct sequel to GAM, since it makes everything in that movie look like merely a prelude to this one. That whole “Kiryu malfunction” episode that didn’t amount to anything plot-wise there, has incredible consequences in this film. You know Travis, I’m starting to think that this twosome are near my personal top? I dunno man, that whole Japanese “must atone for my sins” shit really works on me, and Michiru Oshima’s uber-romantic music reminding me of Joe Hisaishi (veteran of many a Studio Ghibli production) probably helps.



I agree that Oshima's score is really effective, and of her three contributions to the series (GODZILLA VS. MEGAGUIRUS, GAM, SOS), this one's my favorite. I particularly enjoyed how she recalled the cosmic/tropical sound of MOTHRA'S music when the twin fairies make an appearance. Her finale accompanying the image of Kiryu and G plummeting into the depths of the ocean is also great and ranks up there with Akira Ifukube's Monsterland farewell in DESTROY ALL MONSTERS as one of the best codas in the G movies. Again, SOS would've worked as a fine last entry, but FINAL WARS decided to end it all with a bang. To compare, SOS is a dignified, slow fade for the King of the Monsters while FW is about as HYPER SMASH CUT as any Godzilla fanboy would clamor for.

Of course, fanboys always clamor for a good ol' kaiju tussle, and SOS delivers in spades. Unlike the other movies, SOS only has one monster fight, but it's quite a doozy. G and Mothra have brief skirmishes with the military before then, but it's all about the battle royale between G, Kiryu, and the Mothra clan that dominates the last two acts. The various peaks and valleys of the match are paced very well, and the sight of men in suits wrasslin' and swatting at CG things and puppets never feels interminable (to be fair though, that's something I'll never tire of myself). This is also probably the best on-screen Mothra, or at least the most fluidly animated one. Sometimes it's really hard to tell which shots are her being computer animated or puppeteered on set. Those wings are impressive too! They're not stiff as usual but instead flow and waft through the wind to give an added dimension of life.

Speaking of life, GAM and SOS spend a lot of their running time debating if Kiryu is truly alive. There's much contemplation about the ethics of weaponizing the dead '54 Gojira, and it's a pretty serious affair. However, giving Kiryu full sentience in the climax gives me a giggle worthy moment. As Kiryu and G fly to their final destination, Yoshito is trapped inside the body of robo-G. Finally an escape hatch is blown open, and Yoshito is left dangling above the ocean waiting for rescue. Before he lets go of Kiryu's body, the spirit of Gojira/Kiryu lights up the interior computer screen to deliver a final message: “SAYONARA, YOSHITO”. At long last, man and monster have an emotional understanding! It felt like the Godzilla equivalent of the T-800 giving a thumbs up as he melts away in the molten steel in TERMINATOR 2. Ya gotta chuckle at the well intentioned corniness of it all.



This is probably racist, but there’s something about the Japanese that just makes me buy it. It’s corny as shit, but they really, really mean it, man. They’re not winking. They’re really trying to tell you that this robot dinosaur is sorry about his actions in a past life when he was still a regular dinosaur and killed all those people. And he’d like to thank this lowly mechanic who helped him to come to that conclusion. Sayonara, Yoshito. Sayonara. I think it’s a pretty cool inversion of the Showa trope of the movie’s human heroes standing on top of a cliff or ridge or whatever, overlooking the sea, waving at Godzilla, yelling “Sayonaaraaaa Gojiraaaaaa!” This time, it’s Godzilla saying goodbye to us.

You know, I know that the M-series movies aren’t sequels to each other (well, except this one to GAM), but there’s a beautiful symmetry here with G2K ending in that hilarious “Oh well, Godzillas gonna Godzilla” rampage, and TOKYO SOS concluding with what amounts to Godzilla’s superego taking down his id. It is totally weird that this ISN’T the final Zilla movie. I certainly wouldn’t have minded to have gone out on this high note.

But you know, if you tell me that the final Toho Godzilla movie is a big dumb blast of a cartoon, who am I to disagree with that? I, for one, can’t wait. Join us next week for one last blow-out in GODZILLA: FINAL WARS!

Friday, July 4, 2014


Welcome to KAIJU KAVALCADE, wherein the effervescent Travis Kirkland and myself will be revisiting every single Kaiju Klassik by Toho Studios starring Godzilla, most famous of all giant monsters, in the run-up to the release of Gareth Edwards’ upcoming new take on the big G-dude! Your humble servant is but a novice in all things giant monsters, whereas Travis has been a fan all of his life. This is reflected in our respective titles for the series: if you follow it on Travis’ blog Proton Media, KAIJU KAVALCADE will seem like the knock-off Raymond Burr version of MEMORIES OF MONSTER ISLAND.



I should try to dismiss things beforehand more often. When I went to see IRON MAN 3, I went out of a certain sense of obligation, being a Marvel fanboy and all. I figured I’d already seen riffin’ RDJ in two Iron Man movies, an Avengers, and two Sherlock Holmeses – why should I shell out for that AGAIN? And then IM3 was my favorite Marvel movie to date. GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA’s title made me sigh. This would be the fourth movie where G fought MG – five if you’re cynical and count Moguera in GODZILLA VS. SPACEGODZILLA. I’d seen MG as an alien robot out to conquer the Earth for its masters and as a human-operated mech employed to defend Japan against Godzilla, so I figured I’d pretty much seen it all when it came to the chrome kaiju. But GAM had a curveball to throw me: this MechaGodzilla was built around the bones of the original Godzilla. Let that Cronenberg shit sink in. This makes me curious if Toho was keeping an eye on Fox Kids’ Godzilla cartoon show, which ran in 1998 and ’99, a few years before the release of GAM. In this sequel show, aliens revive the Godzilla from Emmerich’s movie with cybernetic implants to fight the second one. They simply referred to it as “the Cyborg” because Toho had only licensed Godzilla out, so no calling it MechaGodzilla. Still, you gotta wonder if they were looking out for what Fox was doing with the license after the ’98 movie besmirched their good name so!

Masaaki Tezuka is back for his second outing directing a G-movie, after the fun but somewhat overlong MEGAGUIRUS, bringing screenwriter Wataru Mimura along for the ride. It’s funny that Mimura’s only pre-Millennium Godzilla credit actually was the Heisei GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA 2. Never change a winning team, I guess? But I’m thankful for these two bringing in one of the most welcome elements from their previous collaborations: a female protagonist.

Akane Yashiro is also a military woman who starts the movie off in a disastrous raid against Godzilla. Unlike MEGAGUIRUS’ protagonist Kiriko however, she’s the one who screws up and sends an armored vehicle flying over a cliff to be trampled by G. This makes her a pariah at work and hated by Hayama, a fellow soldier whose brother was among the trampled. The character’s journey isn’t so much motivated by revenge against Godzilla as much as it is by reconnecting with humans, a redemption that comes in the form of biologist Yuhara’s little daughter Sara. If this is all shit that sounds like tedious crap between monster fights, I wouldn’t go out of my way to naysay you. You want to get together with friends, have a few drinks and enjoy some monster smashing, this touchy feely shit is just gonna get in the way of that. Well shit buddy, that’s all good and well for you, but I’ve been watching these motherfuckers for the better part of a year now, and if Toho wants to sell me a Dead Inside™ Army Lady bonding with an emotionally traumatized yet still somehow cheerful little girl flipping burgers at an army base (???) over sleeping grass (“It moves when you touch it…”) then shit… I’ll take it over another set of poorly conceived alien plans for world domination, you know? Uhhh… Travis, how are your feelz?



The feelz are good, Luca! “Brevity is the soul of wit,” Shakespeare once said, and he could also be talking about monster movies. GAM clocks in at 88 minutes, shortened from the 100+ minute run times of previous Millennium and Heisei flicks. Looking back on them, it seems like G films tend to outlast their mileage past the one hour and thirty minute mark. Lively fights and somewhat interesting humans are all you need for a serviceable feature, yet attempts to elongate the proceedings with various subplots and happenings for “movie's sake” just weaken the enjoyment. It again feels like Toho trying to fit Godzilla in the modern blockbuster mold. GAM is a refreshing change of pace with G and MechaG (now called Kiryu) making their appearances in the first half hour. We're now twenty six entries into the series, and stretching out the drama simply doesn't work anymore. Just gimme dem kaiju!

Gimme dat Kiryu too! Showa MG has a cool, retro look, and Heisei MG looks slick in chrome, but Kiryu is my favorite iteration of the robo-G. This is the swiftest, most agile version in the franchise, and he kicks a lotta ass. Way speedier than his previous, more stiff designs too! Favorite moment: G is about blast a hospital full of helpless nurses and patients with his atomic breath but Kiryu gives him a FLYING BODY SLAM and sends G airborne. The fact that he's a sentient android imbued with the spirit of the '54 Zilla is a cool, crazy concept too. It almost sounds like an idea straight from Marvel Comics' Silver Age!

Luca, I hope you've made mental peace with the scrambled continuity of Godzilla, because the rebooted timeline of GAM can wrack your brain. Once again, we start over from the death of the original G in GOJIRA with his appearance in GAM being his first since 1954. That's pretty common by now in the Millennium era, but it seems to imply that a few Showa movies are canon. When the Prime Minister is debating how to deal with G, we see flashbacks (aka old footage) of MOTHRA and WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS, laying it out that Japan's had their fair share of monster problems in the decades-long interval between G-sightings. So… what? Is Varan now canon too? Is friggin' SPACE AMOEBA in continuity as well? Let's keep Kiryu around to defend us from the return of Gezora the mutated cuttlefish just to be safe!



Whooaaa Gezora is a real thing... Yeah, I had to LOL when I realized the movie was actually going there. "We developed heat cannons in our fight against Mothra... and high-powered masers in our fight against Big Foot Gayra" the Secretary of Defense solemnly intones, as the movie cuts to old footage from said movies. Nothing so hilarious as straight-faced solemnity intercut with footage of a man in a green sea-weed ape suit wreckin' shit. Doubly so as I have never actually seen WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS (yet) to really make it come out of nowhere. And Showa monsters aren't the only old cameos either! The main actors of G2K (Takehiro Murata) and MEGAGUIRUS (Misato Tanaka) show up in small roles as a confused drunk and terrified nurse, respectively. Tanaka gets to witness the amazing body slam, in fact! How weird would that be to western audiences, huh? I mean, take Batman. They put so much effort into letting the audience know that 2005's BATMAN BEGINS was not a sequel to '98's BATMAN AND ROBIN, and weren't even successful across the board for all their efforts. How many people do you know who thought BEGINS was a prequel to BATMAN '89? A few in my case! To make the Godzilla analogy, this'd be like one year (!) after BEGINS, Warner Brothers makes a wholly new Batman featuring cameos from Christian Bale and Michael Caine as, I dunno, a hobo and a cop, and with some old footage from RETURNS and FOREVER spliced in. People's heads would explode!

Yeah, I've whined about this in the past, but now I just run with it and see how confusing Toho can make it. It's a fun little mini-game while watching these mostly samey movies! Mix it up, mix it up, I always say, and if they don't, I'll find pleasure in other ways. One development that really caught me off guard was Kiryu's "malfunction" in his first fight with G. It's really one of the first instances of my being genuinely taken aback at a plot development in a Godzilla movie. Where were they going to take this??? Unfortunately, besides a cool sequence that ends with perhaps the most beautiful shot I've seen featuring MechaGodzilla, they take it nowhere. They kinda just... fix it without any consequences for the rest of the movie. But for a good ten minutes or so, it looked like GAM was bringing this tired old series to new places!

Yeah Travis, I'll agree. Kiryu is the coolest MechaGodzilla so far, the iteration with the most life in it (literally). No disrespect to the Third Planet of the Black Hole edition and just the teensiest bit of disrespect to the G-Force edition, of course! I'd say I should stop dismissing things beforehand, but it always works out so well in hindsight. You know, one thing's been bugging me about Millennium movies so far is that they all feel the need to let Godzilla get away. Admittedly, in G2K this led to one of the most hilariously tone-deaf endings of all time, but in MEGAGUIRUS (post-credits scene in which the roar is heard and people look up, startled), GMK (revealing G's beating heart at the bottom of Tokyo Bay) and now GAM ("He is retreating! It is a draw!") there's simply no need. Godzilla's been a pretty consistent bad guy in the M-series, so why even bother? It's your own movie, man. No continuity or backdoors needed. “Kill the muthafucka!” as Anthony Hopkins in THE EDGE would say.



That's understandable, Luca, but I think audiences would have a problem with G dying, no matter how much of a bad guy he is. After all, his two definitive on-screen deaths (GOJIRA and GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH) were pretty somber, moving moments. Perhaps he's like Freddy Krueger or Jason Vorhees; he's an asshole deserving of punishment, yet you wanna know that he'll be back for more. Speaking of returns, I'll also point out that both Prime Ministers are portrayed by G-film veterans. Current PM Hayato Igarashi is played by Akira Nakao, best known as the strong-headed G-Force leader Takaki Aso during the Heisei era. His retiring predecessor Machiko Tsuge might be familiar to longtime viewers as she's played by Kumi Mizuno. The image of the elder statesman might fool you because she was quite the babelicious sight during the Showa era as Planet Xian’s Miss Namikawa in INVASION OF ASTRO-MONSTER and fetching islander Dayo in EBIRAH.

Since we've been talking about recurring performers throughout this review, let's quickly touch upon why many actors pop up frequently in the G franchise. During the Showa era, Toho had a “new stars” program which took in aspiring thespians and mentored them for potential stardom. Eventually they'd receive film roles (many in kaiju flicks) to see how the public reacted to them, and from then Toho would decide if they fit better as leads or supporting players. This is one of the reasons many recognizable faces will show up time to time in various parts throughout the G series. This shepherding of new talent faded away after many years, but those same Showa players would appear in Heisei and Millennium entries as tributes of where they started their careers.

Next comes something no one would expect in the Millennium series... a direct sequel! That's right! The battle between G and Kiryu marches on with actual continuity in GODZILLA: TOKYO S.O.S.!

Friday, June 27, 2014


Welcome to KAIJU KAVALCADE, wherein the effervescent Travis Kirkland and myself will be revisiting every single Kaiju Klassik by Toho Studios starring Godzilla, most famous of all giant monsters, in the run-up to the release of Gareth Edwards’ upcoming new take on the big G-dude! Your humble servant is but a novice in all things giant monsters, whereas Travis has been a fan all of his life. This is reflected in our respective titles for the series: if you follow it on Travis’ blog Proton Media, KAIJU KAVALCADE will seem like the knock-off Raymond Burr version of MEMORIES OF MONSTER ISLAND.



GODZILLA, MOTHRA AND KING GHIDORAH: GIANT MONSTERS ALL-OUT ATTACK is only the third entry in the Millennium series, yet like the previous two movies, it wipes out any existing continuity to reboot from GOJIRA. In this new timeline, the original Godzilla was unquestionably killed by the Oxygen Destroyer back in 1954, but the big guy has mysteriously returned after all these years to once again decimate modern day Japan. Though his true revival is unknown, Ancient Legend Exposition Old Man warns that the countless souls lost during World War II have manifested into the King of the Monsters to punish today's society for forgetting their pain and sacrifices. Luckily for us, benevolent spirits have risen to protect us in the form of Guardian monsters Mothra, Ghidorah (as a hero for the first time!), and Baragon (long dormant since his cameo decades ago in DESTROY ALL MONSTERS).

GMK is such a joy to watch, and much of the credit goes to director Shusuke Kaneko. By the time he came to the G franchise, he already was acclaimed for his kaiju work after directing the critically and financially successful Heisei era Gamera trilogy (GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE, ADVENT OF LEGION, and REVENGE OF IRIS). His genre work is typically identified by his kinetic energy and strong ties to mythology, and GMK is a great example. The fight scenes are amped up to have the camera swoop and race around the monsters, and even the human scenes get some nice pans and zooms to liven them up. The CGI still isn't going to fool anyone, but Kaneko (who also personally supervised the SFX) throws in a lot of exciting visuals that keep the pace really animated. There's a fun liveliness to GMK that stands in contrast to some of the more static Heisei and Millennium flicks. It's also cool that the kaiju are closely tied to Japan's past and are essentially the wrathful ghosts of yore. It's very amusing to see rowdy teenagers (one group almost drowns a dog!) get their moral comeuppance via death by Guardian monster, slasher film-style.

The true specter of death in GMK though is Godzilla, who ditches the green G2K look for his most menacing design ever. His old gray, radiation-irritated skin is back, and his neck is slightly elongated, giving him a serpentine, dragon-like appearance. It's his eyes however that are his scariest feature. His irises are removed to give him a terrifying, blank stare, akin to the Deadites from EVIL DEAD. This truly is an apocalyptic abomination! Not only does he look frightening, he also is the deadliest he's ever been in the entire series. In previous G flicks, he's only been in the “bad monster” role because his presence could be a threat to mankind, or he was in conflict with “good monsters” like Mothra and King Kong. In GMK, he's truly the villain. He destroys without remorse, and it's clear that hundreds of innocent civilians are left dead in his wake. One scene even has G peering down on the people fleeing before him (including women and children) and deciding to charge up his nuclear breath. A minute later we see an ominous mushroom cloud eruption of smoke in the distance. Horrifying stuff, Luca! Could you handle such a radical change to the ol' Godzilla we know and love?










MIX IT UP ALREADY is what I always say when it comes to these movies, Travis, and Kaneko certainly delivered a Godzilla tale unlike anything we’ve seen so far. In this here Millennium series we’ve now had aliens, time travel and mystical bullshit spread out over three movies. I’ve found magic to be an underutilized plot device in the Godzilla series, especially since the science we’re dealing with here is such hokum that we might as well all call it the work of fairies and goblins anyways. The closest they got to pseudo-spiritual mumbo-jumbo was Godzilla’s weird connection to Japanese forces in GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH – now he’s a straight up incarnation of Japan’s war crimes come to haunt them! Holy crap! And, as you say, this is the most malicious G’s ever been since probably 1954. The image of the school kids getting up to see a huge mushroom cloud in the distance is haunting, and especially so since it follows G’s atomic breath charging up. In many previous instalments (and even in Gareth Edwards’ 2014 version), G’s fins glowing blue is a sure sign of badassery about to happen. Here, Kaneko cuts away just as the actual blast is about to burst forth from G’s mouth, to the aforementioned classroom full of kids seeing the mushroom cloud. Horrifying!

And yet, I can’t help but feel Kaneko has a dark sense of humor about it all. The Guardian monsters all taking care of rowdy teens, for one. Did those teens drown the dog, by the way? I wasn’t given a reassuring shot of the dog paddling away cockily, so I wasn’t sure. How am I supposed to take Baragon crushing a bunch of rude bikers (led by a flaming gay stereotype)? Or a tourist lady saying “Oohh what a horrible monster! But it’s also kinda cute!” The party girl brought to hospital after Godzilla first lands at a seaside town during a stormy night, seeing Godzilla rampage through Tokyo freezes in utter terror, only to breathe a sigh of relief when G passes the hospital she’s laid up in without incident. She exhales in relief… only for Kaneko to cut back outside and show G’s tail carelessly lay into the building, destroying it utterly! Man, that’s some some Sam Raimi shit!

Kaneko really is one of the best directors this series has had, upping the pace considerably from its usual… deliberate, let’s say, Godzilla tread. The fights are absolutely ferocious and make you feel sorry for those poor Guardian monsters that have to go up against Deadite Godzilla. Especially Baragon, who’s about 1/3rd of G’s size, gets a rough deal! This is the first movie where the monsters’ eyebrows have articulation (that I’ve noticed, anyway), so seeing poor Baragon’s eyes widen in panic as he tries to climb up that cliff to get away from Godzilla… Maaaaannn! You know, I don’t mind directors doing their own thing with the material, rather than slavishly following some pre-established canon. In fact, I highly support it! I’m one of those that actually really likes that Christopher Nolan “wasted” Two-Face as a third act result of the Joker’s actions in THE DARK KNIGHT. Do what ya want! That said, I don’t know if I like King Ghidorah as the hero. First of all, Godzilla kind of kicks everyone’s ass anyway, and second, I think Ghidorah is kind of a chump. He looks like a big derp I can’t ever take seriously (as opposed to all the other, serious monsters in this franchise). They got perilously close to my finding Ghidorah cool with his ice castle imprisonment in this movie, but once he got out, it didn’t take very long for me to go back to “Oh yeah that’s Ghidorah”. Which is a shame, cuz he’s in a cool movie!



I'll go ahead and alleviate anyone's fear for the dog's safety. There's a quick blink-or-you'll-miss-it shot during the news broadcast about Mothra's attack that shows the cute 'lil hound happily being petted by rescuers on the beach. Countless lives may have been lost in GMK, but we're at least spared the sight of canine-icide. Speaking of adorable animals, I love that of all the obscure kaiju that were picked to be in GMK, Baragon made the cut (his name didn't make the title, but hey, Baragons can't be choosers). Considering that FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD and his ten second DESTROY cameo are his only on-screen appearances, Kaneko really shows how deep of a G-fan he is. He originally planned for Anguirus and Varan to be the other two guardians, but Toho insisted that they be swapped out for the more recognizable Mothra and Ghidorah. It's too bad we couldn't see those Showa-tier monsters revamped, yet I'm glad that Baragon was kept as a concession.

Of course you can't have a Godzilla movie without Godzilla, but what he represents in GMK is rather interesting. Here, instead of being the unstoppable result of mankind's tampering, he's the wrathful spirit of history forgotten. We've doomed ourselves by separating the blood of our past from the carefree freedom of the present. There's a grim reminder when we see a photo of the Lucky Dragon No. 5 ship (the tuna boat contaminated by American nuclear testing in 1954 that inspired GOJIRA) hanging from a wall as G first comes ashore. Though the film goes out of its way to show off the teenagers as assholes deserving of their fate, is it a coincidence that the first victims of the kaiju are partiers? Have we as viewers even been too caught up or numbed by all the monster wrestling matches to remember that Godzilla was born from the mournful meditation of a damaged nation?

Still, Kaneko doesn't bog down the proceedings that much and keeps the film so energetic! We've talked before about how kaiju TV shows forced Toho to stuff their movies with more elaborate monsters, but GMK feels like a movie influenced by the style (not substance) of Japanese television. Kaiju rush at each other with such speed that you might expect anime action streaks to break out! The fight scenes never reach Michael Bayish incomprehension, but there's a sense of immediacy to the choreography and editing that recalls the WIZ-BANG tone of kid shows. It truly is a Godzilla for the MTV generation. Just wait till it gets ratcheted up in FINAL WARS!



You know, I’m actually surprised that anime hasn’t been a bigger influence on the G series so far. Godzilla and Astro Boy are about the same age, so it’s not like anime would be the new kid on the block that Toho gets to be all huffy about. No, we shan’t adopt any of your stylistic tics! We are a proud piece of Japanese cultural heritage that would never adopt elements from other genres or series or even steal sequences wholesale! Nope! Kanuke’s kinetic style coupled with Millennium’s new mission statement that everything stands on its own is a great boon to the film, but knowing he’d originally planned to have the Guardian monsters be Anguirus (!), Baragon and Varan I can’t help but be bummed out at least a little bit. Those guys are (mostly) blank slates you can do anything with! You see, besides my aforementioned ambivalence towards Ghidorah, I was a bit saddened that Mothra is really reduced to an almost anonymous giant moth (!!) here. When she first flies over Tokyo, we get a reaction shot by a couple of twins, which was a nice nod to the fairies. On the other hand, I’ve also written about how Mothra-starring movies tend to follow the same basic plot a lot of the time, so maybe I shouldn’t complain as much as I am. Argh! How is it that I start nitpicking so much with movies that generally do a good job (see also: GOJIRA) but start looking for the positives in low-effort panderfests like ALL MONSTERS ATTACK? Cart me off to Seatopia’s funny farm, Travis – these movies are starting to get to me!

And they’re not letting up! Join us next week for GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA! Thanks guys, that’s certainly not a thing I’ve seen before. Goddammit, Toho! When I say “Mix it up!” I don’t mean new prepositions, you assholes!