Thursday, October 29, 2009

HALP HALP HALP

I've been gone for so long and you've missed me, I know, but I have had horrible things happen to me. Infernal, diabolical and abyssal things! I HAVE BEEN BURGLARISED, SIRS! I stood transfixed as I stepped out of my car to find my place of residence ransacked and in frankly a repugnant state! Tossed around by ruffians and ne'er-do-wells, all my possessions lay in tatters on the floor, or else were missing! I was an emotional wreck: this was almost like watching the trailer to Where The Wild Things Are on a big screen! What to do? Could I do anything? A pang of inspiration hit me: call the police, of course! But...

At that exact moment, the universe knew a schism, a rip, a dimensional rift! My life had become a DC comic or perhaps the film Sliding Doors in which Gwyneth Paltrow misses a train which causes her hair to change colors.

For you see, dear reader, in two wholly different universes, I called two wholly different police forces:



On Earth-CSI, William Petersen and his team of ethnically diverse but highly photogenical underlings immediately cordoned off the premises, choppers were circling and I occasionally see things in x-ray vision.

On Earth-Wire, I'm checking my watch.

On Earth-CSI, some sexy banter is going on between the members of the team that's on my case. A speedboat chase happens.

On Earth-Wire, an stocky bald man and an annoyed-looking black man show up with a notepad. I am asked about whether or not I've seen anything out of the ordinary, but I have a feeling my answers are drowned out by crass remarks about sucking Steve McQueen's dick.

On Earth-CSI, the culprits are revealed to be some of my closest friends, who had motives and agendas I never could have guessed 44 minutes before this earth-shaking reveal. My world is shattered, but amid my tears I gaze upon Team CSI walking off into the sunset with a final pithy remark and rock music and know all is well with the world.

On Earth-Wire my two visitors speed off blasting the "Theme from Shaft". I'm pretty sure I had more blu-rays than this only half an hour ago.

Dear reader, I ask you this question! Which show do you think is still on the air? Lest you fall out of my good graces, reader, I urge you: watch The Wire! Buy it! Borrow it! If your judgment is anything less than "holy fucking shit awesome goddamn" I shall gently weep, my heart in tatters even more so than my libido. But beware! If your judgment be "i dunno man i already watch csi thats pretty cool lol" I name you worse than a failed abortion. I call you... you...

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