Friday, May 15, 2009

"Will faith protect them from an explosion?"

Faith will probably not protect you from an explosion. Especially not from an antimatter explosion, the biggest and baddest of all explosions.

Suppose you are at the faithiest place on Earth, and someone hid a very antimattery bomb somewhere. Who better to call in than professor Robert Langdon, symbology scholar? If you've answered: "Anyone else, cuz symbology ain't even a real thing", you have already won! Your prize? Enough sense not to watch this fucking movie.

I, on the other hand, enrolled in a movie quiz a few weeks ago, knowing full well this was the movie to be played while the scores were tallied. I still went. On a completely unrelated note, I like women who hurt me physically and emotionally. I'll give it this: while still mind-numbingly boring and stupid, it's marginally less dull than its predecessor. While nothing interesting happens, it all happens really fast, so there's that.

The movie starts with the death of the pope, and the kidnapping of the four candidates for papacy. A threatening puzzle (seriously) is then sent to Vatican HQ, which prompts them to send for Robert "Bigg Dogg" Langdon.

MEANWHILE AT THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER, SWITZERLAND 08:42 AM

An overzealous Demolition Man reenactor stabs a dude's eye out to gain access to the precious antimatter that is stored at that heathen institution. The disoculated corpse's friend and moderate hottie dr. Vittoria Vetro goes to the Vatican to... Fuck if I know. She does know her way around antimatter and that is very important to the plot.

Professor Langdon and dr. Vetro team up for some reason, mostly because the movie is a sausage fest if they don't and an averagely hot lady is better than Tom Hanks and some carabinieri. Ron Howard, you are P.T. Barnum come back to life!

Our intrepid scholar friends must stop the murders of the four cardinals at the hands of a secret society (omg ILLUMINATI), the idea of which is explained laboriously throughout the movie. Never mind that the Illuminati are perhaps the most well-known "secret" society of all time. They were the villains in a Tomb Raider movie, for fuck's sake! So Robert and Vittoria embark on a quest throughout Vatican City and a strange land of computer animations, solving puzzles along the way. None of this is very exciting, because Robert usually just knows what the hell is going on or what to do about five minutes after he arrives on the scene.

Robert Langdon as a character polarizes me. I am torn between dismissing him as a trivia-spouting cypher or the perfect characterization of a hilariously boring man. Every other sentence he says is about Pope Phallicus XI who in 1683 blah blah oh I wish I was watching Crank II. This is coming from a guy who loves history, mind you. He even has the ability to think outside the box. When Langdon and a Swiss Guard are trapped in the glass-sealed Vatican Vaults with the oxygen levels slowly dropping, Langdon escapes by dropping a huge metal bookshelf on his see-through prison, followed by... shooting it with the unconscious guard's gun as a last-ditch attempt. I'm guessing both Langdon and the guard thought the glass would be bulletproof, but I'm also guessing Langdon just solved the mystery of the Vatican Vaults' high heating bills.

Even Hans Zimmer isn't even trying, basically delivering the travel music from Van Helsing in a loop for three hours. Hilariously, this overwrought bombast accompanies such exciting and dramatic shots as three Audis driving to a church. Take notes, Michael Bay!

I must give special credit to our villain (oh come on, you couldn't tell from just the trailer?) Ewan McGregor for hamming it up as the villain with a plot much more defined, idiotic and all-around entertaining than Ian McKellen in The Da Vinci Code. I don't even feel the need to crack jokes about it, let me describe his plan:

Angry at the pope's decision of saying something good about the CERN project, Ewan McGregor's chamberlain character Patrick McKenna murders the fuck out of the old bastard. To ensure nobody says anything positive about science for as long as he lives, he hires a hit man to kidnap the next four guys in line and methodically and publically kill them, making it look like an Illuminati plot against the church. The antimatter comes into play to make McKenna look good. It is to be "discovered" at the last minute, flown into the air right above St. Peter's Square and detonated, while the man himself parachutes to safety. An international hero, the conclave would have no choice but to make him pope. Fuck science.

You gotta admit, the dude has some brass balls to expect THAT plan to go off without a hitch. Certainly if you take into account that he apparently hired the dumbest hit man alive. Txt message "Ur final payment is in dis car". Millions of dollars laying around in a Fiat in the centre of Rome? Why, of course! Nothing is suspicious about this deal whatsoe-- WHAT IS THIS EXPLODING CAR SHIT

The article's title is a McKenna quote, by the way, and along with "WHAT MAN DOES NOT COWER IN FRONT OF THE AWESOME POWER OF LIGHTNING?" is the highlight of verbosity of the film. But will faith protect you from this explosion?

Check mate, Mrs. Howard and Brown. Check mate.

3 comments:

  1. This is the slowest updating blog in the history of the internet.

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  2. So when are you going to post your review of "knowing". I'm sure you are very DETERMINED to FLARE out at the writers.

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  3. I'll get back to updating soon, you gypsy whores. I had shit to do!

    ReplyDelete