Friday, January 16, 2015

I Live Near A Cinema: EXODUS: GODS & KINGS

I recently moved back to my hometown, within walking distance of a cheap movie theater. While this is a great amenity for anyone who likes movies, it also presents a conundrum for the ever-entertainment-seeking First Worlder. It turns the cinema into a really big TV set. “Maaaan, there’s nothing on… ugh god, I don’t wanna get up though… ughhhh FINE, I’ll watch MONEY TALKS.” So in this situation, sometimes you’ll walk to the cinema, realize you’ve actually seen everything that’s playing that you wanted to see, and you end up seeing…


One of the delights of being with a person who was cut off from a large part of popular culture during her youth, is the ability to introduce them to movies that, in time, have perhaps gained a rose-tinted sheen borne from many a youthful, uncritical viewing. It’s wonderful to have films taken for granted by movie geekdom being examined freshly by rational adult eyes. It was during a viewing of Ridley Scott’s HANNIBAL that my lovely wife deadpanned:

“So ALIEN was a fluke, I guess…”

This caused no end of amusement for me, and actually triggered a more thorough examination of Scott’s work. Though I am not as harsh as to say I only like ALIEN, my opinion of him had shifted from “He’s fallen off a bit in recent years…” to “Holy shit, he only does care about a pretty picture, doesn’t he?”

Ridley Scott, not that far off from Tim Burton!

The latest must-see Sir Ridley, EXODUS: GODS & KINGS, had me hurrying to the cinema only a month after release and also because my sister bought us dinner nearby. That old Scott magic…

I also figured having a lapsed Jehovah’s Witness with me surely would result in some interesting running commentary on Biblical adaptation choices, and I was not proven wrong!

First, the bad news: EGK is a piece of shit of the worst kind. It starts off genuinely int—no, wait, hold up, it doesn’t. My bad.

It starts out as promising hilarious revenge porn, with title cards saying that the Hebrews had been enslaved in Egypt for four hundred years. But they had not forgotten their god… and HE had not forgotten them…

This was already pretty giggleworthy: Ridley playing to the cheap seats and just laying out the setting in the laziest possible way. Unfortunately, the movie gets sorta good for the next 15-20 minutes. Christian Bale, Joel Edgerton and John Turturro make a compelling triumvirate as the two sons (natural and not) of an aging pharaoh and their father. Bale is actually jesting and smirking in this part of the movie. His Moses is a cocky prince who’s pretty happy with his station in life – wow, not since AMERICAN PSYCHO!

Joel Edgerton’s Ramses meanwhile is amazing! The young(ish) pharaoh is basically a trust fund bro who wants what’s coming to him and can’t handle any situation in any fashion other than “Uhhh hang more Jews!!” At one point Moses finds him posing like a male model with a white cobra draped around his shoulders as he wistfully gazes into the flames…

An Egyptian soothsayer (Indira Varma, too good for this shit) says that in a battle to come, one guy will save another. The saved guy will go on to have a high status, but the guy who did the saving will be the true leader. You know where that’s going!

After a battle with invading (or are they?) Hittites, Ramses is pissed because that very thing happened. This is a weird thing to put in, because it kind of shows us that either the god of the Hebrews isn’t the One True God, or that he was speaking through an Egyptian soothsayer, allowing her to falsely claim his words as those of Sekhmet. That doesn’t sound like our guy to me! It’s almost as if the film’s five credited screenwriters were just tacking shit onto an ancient  to adjust it for 21st century blockbuster viewers’ expectations… I must disappoint you: Moses did not turn out to have Super Blood.

A sekhment (hehe) follows where Moses is appointed to oversee a quarry and unmasks Egyptian corruption by an unscrupulous viceroy. It’s solid stuff, showing Moses to be a wily politician as well as an able warrior. It is here that his Hebrew lineage is revealed to him by Jew #1 played by Ben Kingsley. This movie is very good at wasting great actors on nothing parts, to the point where I believe a Director’s Cut not unlike Kingdom of Heaven is surely forthcoming.

This insult ticks Moses off so badly that he kills two soldiers who beckon him as “Hey you there, Hebrew!”. Now, the soldiers WERE sent to kill him by the corrupt viceroy, but they had not yet attacked him at that point. It’s pure white hot racist denial rage by Moses. I thought it was very impressive to have a mainstream blockbuster lead character exhibit such malevolence!

Alas, it was not to be.

The idea of Moses as a complex, maybe even bad man, is struck down when he is exiled from Egypt after Ramses learns of his heritage. He bullies some shepherds away from a well because he is more thirsty and has a sword. But these shepherd were actually bullies themselves, who bullied some hot chicks with sheep away from the water, whom Moses then gracefully invites back to the well.

The casting of Spanish actress Maria Valverde as Moses’ wife-to-be Sippora (after a mildly pleasant conversation in which he was apparently highly impressed by her weaving) is perhaps even more dubious than casting Australian/Welsh/American actors as Egyptians and Hebrews. Casting a latina as a Middle Eastern woman cuz…. Ridley scott he say “ehhh sorta brown”? Glad to see latina actresses in high profile roles but it’s a double edged sword here!

Speaking of female characters! Haha! Well, it’s always shaky ground if you’re gonna adapt Bible tales – often you can just give the character a NAME and you’ll have improved on the source material, but EGK has one scene where they hilariously rub your face in the off-screen story of a female character that maybe could have been interesting?

During the dramatic confrontation with Ramses and his mother (Sigourney Weaver, she of the five lines in the entire movie) about Moses’ heritage, Miryam (Game of Thrones’ Tara Fitzgerald), Hebrew handmaiden to Moses’ adoptive mother Bythia, reveals herself to be Moses’ real sister.

Years ago, a prophecy (another one!) was made that a great leader of Hebrews would arise and shake Egypt to its core (another CORRECT one!), so the Pharaoh had a bunch of Hebrew babies killed. Moses’ parents were clever though, and gave him to his older sister Miryam to hide. She put him on the Nile in a basket, placed cleverly so that he would end up at a spot where the barren Bythia bathed. Then, all she had to do was worm her way into the palace and become Bythia’s maid and presto! Moshe saved!

Wait, that’s some really fucking clever maneuvering from a teenage slave girl. How the hell did she do that? You’re really just gonna have her tell us this in thirty seconds?

Anyway back to the men!

Now here’s where all the god shit comes in, and I was actually still sort of on board here. Moses actually gets CONKED on the head while tending some sheep, and this is where he sees God, a whiny little English kid.

Clever, you movie you! Make it ambiguous as to whether or not Moses was a crazy man or if he was actually God’s chosen… but nope!

After some terrorist attacks on granaries, the whiny kid returns and tells Moses this shit isn’t going fast enough, so he’s gonna start doing it himself. Cue the ten plagues!

The ten plagues are actually a really fun bunch of setpieces where people are eaten by crocodiles and covered in locusts and stuff, and here’s where Ramses absolutely shines! He gets to do cartoon shit like stare angrily and scowl while frogs hop onto his head, and he gets covered in boils as he thwacks flies off his face. There’s even a running gag where he hangs advisors who have proven useless!

Now the movie AGAIN tries to have it both ways, with a scientist played by Ewen Bremner explaining away the first four or five plagues. But then God keeps coming and either you have to believe in a shit-ton of coincidence or just acknowledge that it’s God, guys.

While the ten plagues are a good bit of fun, they’re also pretty much where the movie dies like an Egyptian baby, as it resolutely takes the side of “God is real” and much more important than Moses, as Bale pretty much spends this portion of the movie going “oh no!” and “you sure, God?” if he’s on screen at all. This is where my wife’s later remark that “they took away Moses’ staff and gave him that stupid sword instead!” really hit me. Although the Biblical Moses is too firm a believer at that point to make a compelling protagonist, the staff/serpent throw down incident being completely erased from the narrative to make way for Moses just fretting and standing idly by as God takes care of shit is indicative of a boring, non-committal script.

After this CGI-and-lulz onslaught, the actual titular Exodus is an underwhelming affair. Moses is pretty much the only Hebrew we got to know a little over the course of the movie, so it’s basically a bunch of really expensive crowd shots of people walking away. There’s a final cool bit of empty spectacle a bit later, with a mass crash of chariots and the sadistic death of a weaselly Egyptian we’d been following the entire movie, but by that time any enjoyment you’re picking out of the movie is completely apart from what the filmmakers were intending.

Put it to you like this: EGK is a movie that has Moses and Ramses facing each other at the bottom of the Red Sea one on one, charging each other, but it DOESN’T end in a fist/swordfight. If you’re gonna go stupid, go all the way stupid! Not since THE PATRIOT and Emmerich’s disgusting refusal to have Jason Isaacs be impaled on the Stars ‘n Stripes have I seen such negligence…

The ten commandments also sort of happen in a half-assed way, with a hilarious shot of the golden calf far off into the distance, unacknowledged by either God or Moses who are too busy exchanging “hehe we made it bro” pleasantries on top of Mount Sinai. It comes across not as a dramatic illustration of the Hebrews’ faithlessness in the desert, but a wacky cultural tic we just hadn’t been told about, like the Egyptians and their love of Mascara.

“The Israelites have lives outside of Moses too, you know!”

E-40 once said “Imagine all the Hebrews going dumb, dancin’ on top of chariots and turnin’ tight ones”. EXODUS: GODS AND KINGS sometimes flirts with being that movie, sometimes with being a decent, religion-free retelling of the tale of Moses, but never commits to either.

Keak Da Sneak probably would have made a better Joshua!

Friday, December 12, 2014

2014’s Biggest Disappointments

Come year’s end, many a movie or pop culture website will hit you with their best and worst of lists. Many will probably enjoy the latter more, as they fulfill the role of snarky bit of timewasting at work better than the former. However, I’ve found that many “Worst of” lists in any given year tend to focus on films that, well, no one in the readership actually saw. This is, of course, understandable – professional critics simply have to watch everything that’s out there. You may not think A HAUNTED HOUSE 2 looked any good and therefore avoided it, but there’s always some poor schmo out there that was paid to go and see it, resulting in it appearing on many such lists. And that’s not even taking into account all the crap that gets screened at film festivals that didn’t get distribution deals, so no one is likely to see them at all any time soon! With this in mind, here’s five of the most disappointing movies this year that you’ve probably actually seen!



I actually quite like Gareth Edwards’ GODZILLA, despite some minor misgivings. However, the early trailers seemed to indicate a truly apocalyptic disaster movie, something meditating on mankind’s place on the food chain, and how a creature such as Godzilla would disrupt balance. The well-made adventure movie we got was a nice consolation prize, but it would have been cool to see someone attempt to do something in the vein of the original GOJIRA.


With all the good reviews this one was getting, the amazing cast it boasted, and that one trailer that used “Come With Me” by Diddy*, I was actually pretty psyched for this movie despite the return of Mr. Bland, Bryan Singer. True to form, Singer sucked out all the energy of DOFP’s predecessor FIRST CLASS and delivered a two-and-a-half-hour classic the Singer way – awesome set piece in the middle, nothing too fancy on the sides. Watch this back to back with 12 YEARS A SLAVE if you want to see the extreme ends of the give-a-fuck scale for actors.


A really cool ten minute Spider-Man short that somehow ended up two and a half hours, ASM2 wouldn’t really have been a disappointment to anyone who had seen the first ASM and knew to stay away. Unfortunately, reviews coaxed me into going by promising true hammy madness! Even more disappointing that there were a few minor actually good elements in this movie, like Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone as Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy, respectively. Spider-Man’s Times Square fight with Electro is also really exciting. Too bad the story doesn’t really go anywhere! The fetishistic build-up to the first “accurate” cinematic depiction of comics’ original girlfriend-killing without even bothering to establish an enmity between Spider-Man and the villain who kills Gwen is… unfortunate, to say the least.


I love Dwayne Johnson and have been hoping for him to become a bonafide movie star for over a decade now. I had a lot of hopes for this one, but it was not to be. A movie populated with actors full of life undermined by a script that missed the bus by about ten years. This “realistic” take on Hercules sees the strongman as portrayed by Dwayne Johnson as the figurehead leader of a mercenary crew who greatly embellished the mythical 12 Labors. Unfortunately, Johnson cuts quite the mythical figure himself, and he is shown as very capable throughout the film (even punching out a horse at one point). So here’s a movie with a boring “real story behind the myth” angle undermined by having a main actor who sometimes does mythical stuff anyway… sort of? Either this movie should have been a full-on Greek myth fantasy extravaganza, or Johnson’s Hercules should have been a complete dimwit who relied on his old-timey pit crew for everything.


A well-acted film with some pretty cool action, some humorous character moments and no major filming equipment visible on screen at any time throughout. WINTER SOLDIER squanders a potentially interesting premise regarding the need for security vs. privacy by absolving all our heroes from any wrongdoing, stating that basically only a double Nazi would be in favor of surveillance. It also squanders any fun pulpy “Who is a secret double Nazi?” potential by having literally no one of import be a traitor. If your heart wasn’t broken by the betrayal of those two guys who were introduced in this very movie and were accompanied with ominous music from the start, surely it was in pieces over those old Marvel stand-bys of “Asshole Senator from IRON MAN 2” and “Glasses Agent Who Sometimes Stood Around A Bit”. In a Phase 2 where every movie was a leap ahead of its predecessor, CAP 2 stands out like a sore bionic thumb.

You know, the actual worst movie I’ve seen in theaters this year was probably A WINTER’S TALE, but shit, who the hell saw that? Let me ruin its surprise cameo, by the way!

Whooooo! Ha-haaaaa!

*this is a joke I know of led zeppelin my friend

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Kaiju Kavalcade Special: GODZILLA: THE SERIES (1999-2000)

In anticipation of the upcoming Memories of Monster Island e-book, Wholly on the Level brings you a very special edition of Kaiju Kavalcade! Strap yourselves in chaps, it’s gonna be a bumpy yet strangely uneventful ride!



My foolish, JURASSIC PARK-loving child-self of the late 90s quite liked Roland Emmerich’s GODZILLA. It had a big T-Rex and a bunch of raptors. That’s enough for a good movie, right? Combined with having grown up on the 80s Ninja Turtles cartoon and Thundercats, my brief, half-remembered glimpses of GODZILLA: THE SERIES from its airing on the BBC had me start this (sort of) rewatch with a note of optimism. Okay, it’s probably not a good sign that my vague positive memories of this show were from a time when I liked Emmerich’s movie and had good memories of the two aforementioned cartoons. But hey, Emmerich had removed so much of what made the G-man tick in his movie, replacing it with nothing, that a whole two seasons of Godzilla fighting other huge monsters surely had to have been a step in the right direction… right? Sorta! While GODZILLA: THE SERIES brings Godzilla closer to his native element, it also retains some unfortunate failings from the ’98 movie.

Picking up right where the movie left o—no wait, that’s not entirely accurate. The first episode actually starts with a really embarrassing-looking recreation of the final moments of GODZILLA 98. Not only do we get to watch a poorly animated version of the Zilla chase with the Reno-driven taxi, the resemblance to Jean Reno is… iffy. Of course, animated sequels or adaptations of live action properties aren’t obliged to be 100% faithful to the source material – that’d be boring! Artistic license man, go right ahead! In this case, however, the quality of the show just isn’t up to snuff with the comparisons it’s inevitably going to draw. Please consider something that looks so bad it just isn’t up to the quality of GODZILLA 98. G:TS has protagonist Nick Tatopolous (voiced by an amazingly terrible Ian Ziering) convince Major Hicks (actually Kevin Dunn reprising his role from the movie) to send a team to scour the tunnels under Madison Square Garden to make sure there aren’t any babyzilla eggs left. Of course THERE ARE and the last remaining babyzilla imprints upon our boy Nick like a magic vampire baby. Also, it is sterile so the extinction level event threat that the movie Godzilla posed is completely neutralized. He’s now a really big dog basically!

Nick establishes H.E.A.T., one of those classic comic book Cool Dude organizations with acronyms that are also words. Depending on the episode, it stands for either Humanitarian Ecological or Environmental Analysis Team. Who is all SUPERHEATED? Why, more GODZILLA 98 veterans, of course! There’s Elsie, the bespectacled red-headed paleontologist, and Mendel Craven, the guy who sneezed a lot (and whose actor voices him). New team members include Randy Hernandez, a slacker hip hopper metalhead surfer dude college intern. He’s pretty much whatever any episode needs him to be to desperately connect with FOX KIDS viewers! Finally, we have Monique du Pré, a French secret service agent left behind by Jean Reno to keep an eye on zeir leetle ackseedent. You can tell she’s a spy cuz she’s in all black with dark eye shadow and lipstick. I guess the belly shirt is to fit in with Americans? Hey Travis, what did you think of this MUTATION!



Luca, we could form our own H.E.A.T. team to hunt down these kind of mutations as children's programming was lousy with them in the late 90s/early 2000s. G:TS was one of many cartoons put out by Sony to extend the freshness dates of their franchises. We were also treated to MEN IN BLACK: THE SERIES, JUMANJI: THE SERIES, ROUGHNECKS: STARSHIP TROOPERS CHRONICLES, and even EXTREME GHOSTBUSTERS with a new group of multi-ethnic, ghostbustin' teens led by Egon Spengler. You can sense that Sony really wanted to milk these properties dry, and darn it all, they're gonna shove more Zilla in your face and Saturday morning cereal bowls, and you're gonna like it! Unfortunately, those same boring humans from the 1998 movie are coming along too. Nick is given a more youthful, athletic look but retains that black hole of charisma Matthew Broderick originally brought to the role. It's made even worse because Ziering is pretty horrible at voice acting. You how word balloons in comics have embolden words in the sentences for emphasis yet it's understood that the dialogue would flow naturally? Ziering speaks as though those embolden words have to be shout enunciated in actual speech. “We have to keep GODZILLA and that giant BUG away from the WATER.” He also does it in a tough, action-y movie voice that doesn't help him. The other characters are pretty much their one adjective descriptions: sassy Elsie, nerdy Mendel, hip Randy, french Monique.

But what about the domesticated Zilla Jr.? He's pretty personality-less too (like owner, like pet), but at least the cartoon gives him back the proper radioactive breath that was absent in the movie. He'll need it too for the scores of mutations the series throws at him. G:TS is your standard “monster of the week” show with all sorts of creatures and freaks of nature that Zilla and H.E.A.T. have to deal with. None of these new foes are as memorable as Mothra or King Ghidorah, but there's a fun variety displayed throughout the run. There are standard bugs, lizards, and mammals mutated by radioactivity, as well as a few ancient, slumbering giants now woken due to pesky people. Throw in some scientific anomalies (one episode features an electrical monster that is actually the physical manifestation of an human insomniac's repressed anger!), and you've got an eclectic mix of kaiju. Heck, even the original Zilla from G'98 is revived as a cyborg under alien control!

It's that willingness to go pulpy that puts G:TS in a peculiar spot. The vapid characterization and fairly limited animation certainly didn't help Zilla become more palpable to audience's tastes. And yet, having the cartoon include things like evil aliens or redneck monster hunters shows that the people involved seemed more eager to go into “crazy kaiju” territory than the G'98 filmmakers. I doubt anyone would find this series memorable, but for a toon that had to strip off the meat from its box office turkey, it made some passable leftovers. Salvageable, pleasant enough leftovers. Even though we were quite negative about Zilla The Movie, am I being too kind to Zilla The Cartoon?



In order to answer this in the negative, Travis, we should take a step back and consider the TV of the late 90s. In our era of streaming video on demand, binge-watching, season-long arcs and the dreaded SHOW MYTHOLOGY, we can’t really fathom picking and choosing a couple of episodes from a show and then being done with it. If you want a sampling of an American creative team trying out that old Godzilla stand-by of aliens wanting to take over the world via giant monster control, try the season 1 episode “Leviathan”, followed by the “Monster Wars” three-parter, also from the first season. If those eps please you, by all means, check them all out. The entire series is on Netflix Instant (for the moment), so there’s no one to hold you back.

If I can say anything nice about the show, it’s that the opening credits theme song is pretty catchy. I can hum it off by heart, and it’s been months since I last heard it! Like the American Godzilla itself, the monsters he faces are pretty cool-looking, ranging from giant regular animals to an actual goddamned sphinx. Speaking of the pulpiness the show dares to approach: in one episode there’s even ghosts (“The Ballad of the Gens du Marais”)! I’d recommend anyone who’s still legitimately interested in the show after seeing the episodes recommended above to just browse around, check out some synopses, and see what strikes your fancy. There’s a lot more interesting stuff out there for you to be wasting time on every single episode of this series! Like, uh… reading about Godzilla… yeah, that’s a good investment!

I agree with you on the series’ good points, Travis, and they do indeed make it stand out over the Emmerich film. They just can’t counteract the rote filler stuff that this show is padded with, even at only two seasons. The Emmerich movie doesn’t have the cool stuff the show has, but it also takes up far less of your time. Use this information how you will! I hope your brain doesn’t blow up like a N.I.G.E.L., Dr. Craven’s exploration bot who dies every episode in what seemed to me like a tip of the hat to SOUTH PARK. Only Trey Parker and Matt Stone stopped doing it eventually! The only thing GtS stopped doing was being aired – hi-yoooo!



Ohhh Zilla burn! I'll add that if you were a fan of the Hanna-Barbera Godzilla cartoon from the 70s, you might wanna give GtS a try too since they pretty much share the same plot. Both shows have scientific teams that cruise around the world exploring monster phenomena, and sooner or later, they call upon G when they're getting their asses kicked. Heck, both groups also sail around on a fancy, schmancy sea vessel stacked with sciencey doohickeys and weapons (the Calico in the HB toon, the H.E.A.T. Seeker in GtS). They also share annoying sidekicks in the form of Godzooky (a smaller, goofier flying version of G) and N.I.G.E.L. respectively. GtS might have the edge over the HB series for fans since it crushes or blows up N.I.G.E.L. on a consistent basis, while many kaiju viewers would've gladly seen 'lil Jar-Jarzilla die in many, many violent deaths.

In pop culture these days, we've seen a lot of flash in the pan celebrities from yesteryear attempt comebacks by mocking (or even destroying) their public image so they can build it back up. You could say that Zilla himself as slowly crawled his way back into acceptance with G-fans too. Though his feature film bombed, he had a small moment of self deprecation as he was annihilated by Toho's Godzilla in FINAL WARS, and in IDW's current RULERS OF EARTH comic series, he's been reintroduced as a very lethal, vicious creature. All of this plus a not-too-bad cartoon might rehabilitate him in people's eyes. There are many poor, pathetic animals in this world; won't you take in Zilla today?


The theme song evokes a prehistoric monster that Emmerichzilla pointedly isn’t.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Kamala Khan As The New Spider-Man: Why Captain America 3 Should Feature Miss Marvel


What a tumultuous time to be a comic book nerd! With studios throwing superheroes at you nearly all year round now, it can be tough to keep track of who’s living in the same universe with who. Not only do you need to know which characters are Marvel and which are DC, you also need to know which Marvel characters are Fox-Marvel, Sony-Marvel, or, well, Marvel-Marvel. In short:



Marvel: All the rest.

Before 2008, you could have said that Marvel was pretty much f’d in the a. Fox and Sony only have three heroes licensed, but they are the all-time biggies. Weird as it seems in retrospect, even Iron Man was a dopey second stringer in terms of mainstream recognition before Robert Downey Jr. made him a household name. So credit where credit’s due: Marvel Studios absolutely turned a frown into the craziest Joker-smile you could imagine over the last half decade or so. Critically as well as financially, nobody run this superhero game like Marvel Studios do.

This underdog status has been parlayed successfully by studio boss Kevin Feige into a reputation as “the studio that does it for the fans” rather than the foul bean counting sorcerers at WB who only care about their Acheronian paymasters! And whaddya know, the latest reveal from the Sony hacks seems to back that up: besides revealing that Hollywood power players have some scandalously bad e-mail etiquette, the released documents have, according to the Wall Street Journal, also made public that Marvel Studios has, in fact, reached out to the license-holders of Spider-Man’s cinematic adventures for a cross-studio team-up.

Spider-Man would have appeared in CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR, an adaptation of the 2006 Marvel event miniseries in which a superhero-related tragedy causes public outrage and drives a wedge in Marvel’s super-community. On one side there’s Tony Stark (Iron Man), who believes all superheroes should be registered and receive training, and on the other there’s Captain America, who believes that this would go against the right to privacy and vigilantism afforded every citizen of the United States.

Caught in the middle of all this was the ever-down-on-his-luck Peter Parker who took Tony’s offer of big bucks and a swanky penthouse and made his identity known to the public, saying he’d been Spider-Man since he was 15 years old. In the Civil War storyline, Peter was the everyman caught between Tony and Steve’s ideological battle.

The Everyman.

That’s been Peter Parker’s whole deal for half a century now. He tries his darnedest to please everyone in his life, but somehow always ends up with the shortest end of the stick. He’s the little guy who keeps his chin up, even though life throws every possible curvepumpkinbomb at him. Just trying to do right, you know?

It is exactly for this reason that Marvel Studios should not bother trying to get Spider-Man into their movies. The Marvel Cinematic Universe is probably the biggest thing in fandom right now. It’s what LORD OF THE RINGS was ten years ago, on an even wider scale. It’s hip! It’s happenin’! It’s everything Peter Parker isn’t.

Back in the 1960s, delinquent teens may have been a hot button issue, but a J. Jonah Jameson complaining about Spider-Man in 2014 would just make him seem brain-damaged. In a world of Darren Wilsons and Michael Browns, is there not even the tiniest bit of cognitive dissonance that may occur when you present modern-day audiences with a main character who is a handsome, physically powerful, white, straight male and then tell them his life is really, really hard?

Now, of course it is possible for a handsome, physically powerful, white, straight male to have a really hard life. But superhero comic books (and their movie adaptations) aren’t really about nuance. They’re about big, broad, colorful characters and outsized emotions and actions. What better way to illustrate the put-upon everyman than with Kamala Khan, aka Miss Marvel?

Imagine a young muslim Pakistani girl cowering, maybe in an amateurishly self-crafted supersuit, on a poster for CIVIL WAR in between Figures Of The Establishment RDJ and Chris Evans playing staredown. An image powerful enough that people might say hey, who is that girl and what’s her deal? Why is she making Cap and Tony fight?

Having a figure as iconic as Spider-Man in the middle would no doubt be even more evocative, but the point is simply that it wouldn’t be necessary. As stated before, Marvel Studios made these second stringers into billion dollar characters. Cap and Tony by themselves turn top-five-of-the-year grosses.

Fans might say, but Kamala Khan names herself Miss Marvel because she’s a Carol Danvers fangirl, and she’s an Inhuman, and both CAPTAIN MARVEL and INHUMANS are scheduled for release years after CIVIL WAR!!!

Well shit man, what can I tell ya? We got an Ultron made by Tony Stark here, we got Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver who aren’t related to Magneto, we got a Nova Corps that doesn’t really resemble any Nova Corps on the page, we got a Miami Vice goon for a Mandarin, we got Janet Van Dyne dying off-screen if reports are to be believed… what I’m saying is, adaptations happen.

There’s at least four Inhumans awakened in the MCU so far, why not make a little blu-ray One-Shot showing Kamala getting her powers and introduce her as a fait accompli in CIVIL WAR? Why not have her be a one-episode case that superpowered PI Jessica Jones encounters in her own 2015 Netflix series? You could have her be inspired by Captain Marvel even after superheroing for quite a while – how long did they call Green Arrow “the Hood” and the Flash “the Streak” on their respective CW shows?

Marvel Comics recently canceled one of their flagship titles, Fantastic Four. Rumor has it this was done to spite the upcoming Fox-produced adaptation. I’m not calling for something quite so dramatic, but it’s time Marvel realized they can say “Frankly? We no care” when it comes to Spider-Man movies.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The Case Against A Black Widow Solo Movie

With the recent unveiling of Marvel Studios’ plans for Phase 3 and the long-awaited inclusion of non-white and non-male heroes as protagonists in their proper films, some fans expressed disappointment with the lack of a Black Widow solo film. Here’s why that’s not such an interesting prospect as it may seem at first glance.

First things first, as nothing is ever black and white except for the morality in Captain America movies*: there is at least one all-encompassing, shut-the-whole-thing-down argument in favor of a Black Widow solo film, and it’s a tune we’ve all been singing for a while. Big mainstream Hollywood blockbusters with female leads, while growing steadily in number, are still far too much of a minority. If Marvel Studios can contribute to that with more than one entry over the next coming five years, that’d be great. If they do make it, I will support it, because that’s what you do.

Why not, then? Let’s run down the reasons against the opening of a certain red-splotched ledger, one at a time.

1.) We’ve Seen Black Widow

Super-spy Natasha Romanoff is one of those superheroes in the classic Batman mold. No superpowers – just her wits, physical training, and the occasional cool gadget. It’s nice and budget-conscious for the thrifty studio who likes a large roster of marketable names without having to spend a big CGI budget on every one of them (see also: Hawkeye, Nick Fury, Mockingbird). This doesn’t need to be a bad thing: it takes all kinds to fill a fictional universe as well. And besides, Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow is never less than fun, cool, badass, smart, sexy, in any of her performances in the Marvel Cinematic Universe so far.

So, by virtue of the very character, what kind of movie would we be getting? Quite likely a  spy thriller, perhaps advertised as “gritty”, “morally grey”, “low-key” (not the Hiddleston kind) and other such buzzwords. Does that sound familiar? If you thought of CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, you win the No Prize!

One of the strengths of the MCU has been their diversity of storytelling (if not exactly, prior to the recent Phase 3 reveals, casting). With Iron Man, you could follow the high-life hi-jinks of a playboy millionaire inventor in a robot suit, peppered (heh) with some screwball comedy for good measure. With Thor, you could be witness to the galactic high fantasy melodrama of the Asgardian courts, as well as battles across the Nine Realms. Due to the character’s origin, Captain America is the only one that had a major shift in tone from his first movie to the second – from his origins as a WWII-era do-gooder to a modern-day super-powered government operative tangled up in a BOURNE-like web of intrigue. If you don’t like the IRON MAN movies, THOR could very well be your thang. If you don’t like THOR, why not try a CAPTAIN AMERICA? That’s actually a hell of a smart business decision from Marvel!

Now ask yourself, if Black Widow got her own movie, what would it offer that WINTER SOLDIER already didn’t, besides more screen time for ScarJo?

CAPTAIN MARVEL will be a movie that will basically feature a female Superman, something completely new in the MCU wheelhouse. The Jessica Jones Netflix miniseries will focus on a female private eye who used to be a superhero but retired (unless, of course, they’re changing the whole origin up, which is always possible). There’s Kamala Khan, the Pakistani-American teenager who gains shapeshifting powers after she is exposed to the Inhumans’ Terrigen Mists** and becomes Miss Marvel. She could bring the very first teen perspective to the MCU! Honest question – why bother getting the Spider-Man rights back from Sony if you’re sitting on Kamala Khan whose movie would very much be like a Spidey in tone? With the proper marketing you can definitely get the YA crowds in for this one.

2.) Marvel Does Not Wish To Offend

Black Widow is a far more morally gray character than Captain America. She’s ready to get dirty in a way that our favorite Jack Kirby boy scout isn’t – as evidenced in her dropping Agent Sitwell off a roof in CAP 2 and the many references to a past she isn’t very proud of in AVENGERS, mainly memorable for the hilarious “red on my ledger” meme. Well, there’s your answer – a Black Widow film would stand out simply by virtue of being darker and more edgy than a Cap movie. And yeah, you could totally make something dark and edgy within PG-13 confines – just look at the BOURNE movies, SKYFALL, THE DARK KNIGHT, etc.

Absolutely true, but Marvel is not interested in offending anyone. A movie carrying the Marvel brand has a certain set of values we’ve only been very briefly privy of in the MCU’s six year existence.

When Shane Black delivered the first draft of IRON MAN 3 – for my money still the best MCU movie by far – Tony Stark dropped five f-bombs. PG-13 allows you three. However, he was told that he could not have a single instance of it. Marvel simply telling him he’d have to cut it down to PG-13 levels would have been understandable, but none at all? These heroes need to be squeaky clean for maximum four quadrant coverage – basically pleasant network TV protagonists with an 8 figure budget. It makes sense there would be editorial policy on not having characters like goody two-shoes Captain America or Spider-Man swear, but rakish playboy Tony Stark? A man of seedy character whose whole arc is that he becomes more responsible? Taking all the f-bombs out of that guy’s mouth ain’t based in character anymore.

But hey, maybe that’s just because, when it comes to characters Marvel still has the movie license for, Iron Man is their flagship dude, the one that started it all. Makes sense that they’d want their superstar character have the edges sanded off a bit. Smaller characters could conceivably be a little more risqué. Why yes, they could be – were it not for the tiny (hehh) matter of ANT-MAN!

You’ve heard of the ANT-MAN debacle: In pre-production in some form of another with SHAUN OF THE DEAD director Edgar Wright since 2006, the film got a complete overhaul earlier this year with a change of director and script. One of the reasons Wright walked was Marvel’s issue with some of the characters’ “core morality”. After sending several drafts co-written with Joe Cornish and still not getting the okay, Wright received a Marvel-approved version of the script, rewritten by two other writers. This broke the yellowjacket’s back for Wright and he and the studio parted amicably. It seems that, even for completely unknown heroes with an almost non-existent fanbase, Marvel has a very specific idea of what is appropriate conduct for their heroes.

Do you still believe an actual Avenger like Black Widow – a character far more visible in the popular consciousness than Ant-Man right now – would get to do anything remotely controversial in her solo movie? Her dark deeds are left in the shadows as of now, and that’s probably where they’re going to stay.

3.) ScarJo Has Enough Money

I assume if you’re reading this that you’re a Marvel fan. Heck, so am I! I like all the movies and love quite a few! Excellent casting all around – boy, those actors really exude charisma and fun times. It must be such a blast to make them! Well… maybe. Thing is, we can never really know. We’re always on the outside looking in. What we see is really just proof of how good the principal Marvel actors are at manipulating the press and their social media presence. But for the sake of argument, let’s say that all these movies are funtimes for all involved. There’s still the very real possibility that they are still just paycheck gigs, and that the actors may want to do stuff that they’re actually intellectually/morally invested in. The more popcorn movies they make, the less time they have to put into these movies. ScarJo is – next to Robert Downey Jr – probably the biggest Legit Movie Star the studio has under contract right now, and she should be able to do whatever the hell she wants in her time between pleasant popcorn movies.***

You’ve seen X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST and the pleading “kill me! killl meeee!” expressions of Oscar Nominee Michael Fassbender. Do you really want this to happen to ScarJo? How selfish can you be, fandom!

So what say you, loyal WotL readers? Should I be on Hydra’s to-laser list? Or are my opinions worthy of lifting Mjolnir? Are you simply confused that there was not a single mention of Gigan in this blog post? Let me know!

*Hehe yeah, I’ve seen WINTER SOLDIER, what’re you gonna do about it?

**Yes yes, a Terrigen BOMB technically.

***Being on the outside looking in works both ways, of course, and maybe ScarJo sees stuff like UNDER THE SKIN as her “time too relax” movies and Widow is where she can really bring out the big acting guns. We just don’t know!

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Kaiju Kavalcade: Epilogue

Welcome to KAIJU KAVALCADE, wherein the effervescent Travis Kirkland and myself will be revisiting every single Kaiju Klassik by Toho Studios starring Godzilla, most famous of all giant monsters, in the run-up to the release of Gareth Edwards’ upcoming new take on the big G-dude! Your humble servant is but a novice in all things giant monsters, whereas Travis has been a fan all of his life. This is reflected in our respective titles for the series: if you follow it on Travis’ blog Proton Media, KAIJU KAVALCADE will seem like the knock-off Raymond Burr version of MEMORIES OF MONSTER ISLAND.


What a wild and thunderous ride it has been, Travis. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil. I will also say I think I’ve exhausted RETURN OF THE KING references thoroughly after having reached ending milestones for three different eras of Godzilla, so excuse me for going to that well again. I came to Godzilla with the vaguest impressions laid on me by children’s pop culture, a half-remembered late night viewing of a Heisei movie, and Emmerich’s 1998 disaster. I leave him thirty movies (for the moment) later, far wiser in my nerd knowledge and with a vast new wing added to my mind palace of useless information.

Real life circumstances conspired against us and saw our journey only halfway finished by the time Gareth Evans’ 2014 iteration of the big guy came out, so please accept our apologies, dear reader, for not sticking to our original mission statement. We hope that after our premature climax the remainder of the reviews were not tarnished by our appearing too tired or burned out on Big G. Unlike some Godzilla movies, it was a labor of love all the way!

On this journey through the archipelago of the Monster/Solgell/Birth islands, I have learned that while he may certainly resemble one to the untrained eye, Godzilla is no monolith. Whether your jam is the Lovecraftian spectre from the sea in the original GOJIRA, the ghost of Japan’s war crimes in GMK, the superhero from TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA or Hollywood’s most recent guardian of vaguely defined natural balance, the big guy must always stand for something. Like Batman or James Bond, there are many Godzillas, all reflective of the times that they belong to.
Modern day bard of the proletariat A.P. Clarke once said that to really understand an era, you should look to its mainstream comfort food. Watching, reading, or listening to the visions of auteurs with a real message will enlighten you and broaden your vision, but there is insight at the bottom of a box of popcorn as well. Take the unexpectedly sad little moments sprinkled throughout ALL MONSTERS ATTACK, an entry derided by fans for its lack of weight and kid oriented tone. The moral of this children’s film does not state “Make time for family”, it is “Sacrifices in daily life are necessary”. That’s unthinkable on, say, an episode of any Disney XD sitcom. In an absolute kiddie panderfest like AMA, that really says something about increasingly industrialized late 60s Japanese society.

Also: monsters smashed shit up good. Let’s not grow too big for our breeches like a derp-voiced Minilla here, and pay some tribute to the real reason why we watch these things: big rawr go boom. They sure did a lot, and it made me laugh and sometimes go “whoaa!”. And that was very cool.

I know that there is very little tolerance for cheese and earnestness among a readership who likes Godzilla, but I will venture into these murky waters anyway. My favorite thing about doing this whole series was my close collaboration with Travis Kirkland. Believe it or not, dear readers, but I barely knew the man before this besides enjoying his occasional internet witticisms! This journey I probably would not have finished without the support we gave each other constantly, and with a minimum prodding. I think I can recall maybe two or three “You okay, dude?” messages over a whole year. Yes, we kept each other going! Friendship bloomed on the kaiju battlefield…

Oh, and because I am a stickler for tradition: Sayonara, Gojira-saaaan! Sayonaraaaaaaaa!


With pop culture becoming more and more instantly archived, it's easy to be insulated in a cocoon of nostalgia.  Take one look at social media, and you could surmise that this generation is made up of perpetual children, happily lost among the cartoons and toys they grew up with.  Since studios are ready to recycle any properties for the sake of sentimental box office, anyone can be “forever young” watching new adventures of their favorite heroes.  Speaking for myself, I still enjoyably guzzle down the pop of yesteryear, yet I try not to have it dominate my life for the sake of adulthood and the reassuring wisdom that comes with it.  However, the giddy adult who sat in the dark theater to watch Gareth Edwards' GODZILLA was the same impressionable kid that spent his school night captivated by his first sight of kaiju films on midnight TV.  Forever young.

What have I learned about the big guy in the intervening years?  As Luca has pointed out, Godzilla has always been a representation of any important matters (nature, science, history, heroism, etc.)  Yet what underlies all of these portrayals?  Power.  Like many monsters, he's the grotesque that upsets our balance when arrogance is left unchecked.  He cannot be defeated; mankind can only shift and adjust to his existence.  His destruction can bring about our end, or save us from horrors more unimaginable than him.  In any case, he's a force that can't be contained.  When Toho unleashed GOJIRA in 1954, they couldn't have imagined the legions of filmmakers and fans they would inspire all these years later.  Whether you're a helpless Tokyo citizen running from his disastrous path or a fanatic filling up your room with kaiju memorabilia, it's Godzilla's world.  We're just living in it.

Before we part, I must express gratitude to a few people.  Dad and Mom indulged my childhood with its constant need for Godzilla anything, and it's truly them that set off the atomic bomb that mutated a young boy into the G-writer he is today.  A huge thank you to all the readers, friends, and fans that have joined Luca and I on our journey.  Many of you came out of the woodwork as G-fans, and it was always delightfully surprising to hear one of you ask when the next review was coming.  Much thanks for your support and nice words.  Most of all, my greatest and sincerest gratefulness is to my writing partner Luca Saitta.  I've always wanted to do a long term G-retrospective, and it was Luca who had the idea to team up for this adventure.  It's been a pleasure seeing you indoctrinated into the world of kaiju, and seeing your reactions was the true highlight of this experience.  I couldn't have asked for a better ally this side of Anguirus.

I imagine Godzilla will always be a part of my life.  A foot-tall plastic toy of the big guy given to me as a childhood present still takes residence in my room, having seen many action figures and dolls of my younger days come and go.  It stays in my life because it reminds me of pleasant times.  Of buildings smashed to smithereens.  Of roaring monsters grappling and wrestling.  Of examining film by film why he's truly earned the title of the King of the Monsters.  It's these impressions and many more that are my fondest, happiest memories of Monster Island.


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Kaiju Kavalcade #29: GODZILLA: FINAL WARS

Welcome to KAIJU KAVALCADE, wherein the effervescent Travis Kirkland and myself will be revisiting every single Kaiju Klassik by Toho Studios starring Godzilla, most famous of all giant monsters, in the run-up to the release of Gareth Edwards’ upcoming new take on the big G-dude! Your humble servant is but a novice in all things giant monsters, whereas Travis has been a fan all of his life. This is reflected in our respective titles for the series: if you follow it on Travis’ blog Proton Media, KAIJU KAVALCADE will seem like the knock-off Raymond Burr version of MEMORIES OF MONSTER ISLAND.



Well... gee.

Ryuhei Kitamura’s GODZILLA: FINAL WARS is not a movie one should unwind with after a hard day’s work. If Godzilla movies (or kaiju flicks in general) are delicious junk food to be consumed as a guilty pleasure now and then, FINAL WARS is a cake that’s 70% frosting, 30% cookie dough and 5% XTC. I am aware that that is more than 100%, but I feel like that’s the only way to accurately describe FINAL WARS. It’s more than 100% FINAL WARS at all times. The story boils down to a remake of INVASION OF ASTRO MONSTER mashed up with a bit of DESTROY ALL MONSTERS for good measure. The Xilians even have the snappy sunglasses from ASTRO MONSTER! Rather than lying about trading a cure for cancer for the limited-time use of Godzilla and Rodan to beat back King Ghidorah, the Xilians this time lie about a huge asteroid named Gorath headed for Earth, which can only be repelled once the Earthlings gather up all their weapons in one place and… something. Before this ruse, though, the Xilians teleport all monsters to… somewhere? To gain the Earth’s trust, of course!

I was awake and conscious the entire runtime of this movie, and I did not imbibe or partake in any mind-altering substances. Maybe it was said where Earth’s weapons had to be placed or where the monsters were teleported to (one assumes on board gigantic holding ships) but honestly, after these two things occur, SO MUCH happens until the end of the movie that anyone could be forgiven for not registering such little trivialities as major plot catalysts. The aliens lie, their ruse is found out, and a young hotshot Xilian summarily executes his superior and takes over command in lieu of a more violent approach: unleash all monsters until the Earth is bludgeoned into submission! Oh yeah, there was no asteroid – it was just a clever Photoshop of a bunch of unrelated space phenomena. Luckily, there is ONE monster out there that has evaded Xilian control – Godzilla.

In the final alternate timeline (so far) of the Toho Godzilla series, Big G was contained on the South Pole after a big battle with Earth Defence Force vehicle Gotengo in… the 80s? If we assume FINAL WARS is in 2004 and Colonel Gordon (who looks about in his forties) says he was in that fateful assault, it’s probably around the 80s. Anyway, our heroic band of humans must head to the South Pole to free G so he can take the fight to all the mind-controlled kaiju and rid the Earth of that Xilian menace once and for all. Oh, did I mention that mutants have been living among humans for decades now? Their blood contains M-BASE, a substance also found in the fossilized Gigan that the EDF has hanging around. Could they be related? Our main guy Ozami is one of these mutants, and an EDF soldier to boot. He believes kindness is key to protecting humanity, while his frenemy Kazama believes mutants are made to fight, not protect humankind. I’m… not quite sure what these mutants do. They jump high and stuff? Know super good martial arts? Oh man, and there’s so much more stuff I could talk to you about here. But Travis, why don’t you tell me what you thought once your headache subsides!



Boy howdy, Luca!  Toho knows how to take advantage of G's milestones, and GFW was the supersized birthday cake stacked to the brim with white hot sparklers as candles for his 50th anniversary in 2004 (G even got his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame as commemoration!).  Even though fan reaction to the film was a bit divisive, there's no denying how joyful it was to see how packed GFW was with pure Toho-ness!  First off, what a monster roll call!  We got G, Minilla, Mothra, Rodan, Anguirus, King Caesar, Ebirah, Kumonga, Kamacuras, Hedorah, Manda, Zilla (from the '98 US film), Gigan, and King Ghidorah (reprised as the bipedal final boss Monster X/Keizer Ghidorah), as well as stock footage cameos of Varan, Baragon, Gaira, Gezora, Titanosaurus, Mechagodzilla, Megaguirus, and Godzilla Junior.  The cast too has many returning faces such as Showa mainstays Akira Takarada and Kumi Mizuno.  In addition, the main weapon of the good guys is the battleship Gotengo, which debuted alongside Manda in ATRAGON (both are seen once again in underwater battle in GFW).  Even the Xillians' faux asteroid is named after the 1962 sci fi film GORATH!  Pick up your baskets, G fanatics, because it's Easter egg season!

The mutants are a fun bunch too.  I think Kitamura only included them so he could have as many wire-fu fights as he wanted.  In the long line of Toho “borrowing” from popular American movies, the connections between Ozaki and young alien leader X are pretty much parallels to Neo and Agent Smith from THE MATRIX.  Both are powerful beings with one wanting to rule mankind as livestock while the other fights for humanity and ultimately taps into his god-like abilities to win the day.  Similarly, Smith's lively performance was my favorite from the MATRIX films, and the overacting X was my MVP pick in the non-kaiju acting department.  I particularly enjoyed watching his heartthrob status when he's surrounded by adoring teeny-bopper fans at his radio station appearance.  He's just loving putting one over on the humans!  You also gotta admire his variety of over-the-top arm gestures as he commands the various kaiju and spaceships attacking Earth.  The moment he finally won my heart was when he clenched his fists and commanded the dispatch of Gigan with an Oscar-worthy scream of “GIIIIIIGAANNNNNN!!!!!!”

You'd think a movie with all this slam packed goodness would be universally loved by G fans, but it surprisingly isn't the case.  The two biggest complaints I've heard are 1) there's too much human/mutant/alien action and not enough kaiju content and 2) the monster fights are too short.  Now, I don't think these assessments are necessarily wrong, but it seems like a case of focusing on the minutiae and ignoring the bigger picture.  To address the first complaint, there's always been human filler in the G films, and GFW is no exception.  However, Kitamura switches out ponderous scenes of people in labs or government buildings for ACTION ACTION ACTION.  What would you rather watch?  Another routine moment of scientists and military men arguing over nuclear politics or two mutants delivering flying kicks to each other on motorcycles?  As for the second complaint, while the fights are shorter, GFW makes up for it by giving us A BUNCH OF MONSTER FIGHTS.  G vs. Kumonga!  Ebirah vs. mutants!  Mothra vs. Gigan!  And so forth!  Not only are there a lot of battles, but they're so many awesome action beats stuffed in each one.  This review could've easily been just a BuzzFeed “list-icle” called 25 INSANELY EPIC MOMENTS FROM GODZILLA: FINAL WARS (gifs and all)!  I'll start off with one:  even if some G fans were disappointed with GFW, you can't deny how insane it was to watch Angy curl up into Soccer Ball Mode so King Caesar could give him the winning fly-kick at G. GFW definitely ended the Millennium era on a high note, Luca, so what were your favorite moments, and how do you feel about the M-movies in general?



Yeah, I think FUTBOLZILLA was probably the high point of the movie, kaiju-wise. An entry worthy of the “Stupid Shit Toho Makes Godzilla Do For Fun And Profit” annals! Since they were sorta redoing ASTRO MONSTER again, it was only fitting that they’d try and top the Godzilla victory dance from that movie. As you said, basically everything X does is giggle-worthy. But you know what? Most things the humans do in this movie are giggle-worthy. Why is Colonel Gordon a weird katana wielding Zangief? Why is the Godzilla containment facility seemingly manned by no one but nihilistic Balrog and E. Honda? Seriously, at the news of the apocalyptic Xilian invasion, Honda says “Good! I’ll be able to read in peace!” Oh man, and the pug subplot! I was already heartily chuckling at an interview with “the first Japanese Secretary General of the UN” suddenly and pointlessly being derailed into talking about his pug Clint, so you can imagine how delighted I was that Clint became a big plot point and running gag. He’s even there to wave Godzilla goodbye in traditional Showa fashion!

Oh oh oh! I also loved the callback to fan non-favorite ALL MONSTERS ATTACK/GODZILLA’S REVENGE when Minilla was suddenly able to change size at will so the Godzilla/Minilla suit actors could interact without the interference of green screen. The fact that Kitamura even remembers that makes me think he’s not exactly a guy who doesn’t care about Godzilla who landed the gig of doing a Godzilla movie (see: Bay, Michael), just one who has verrrry specific tastes when it comes to the big G. And honestly, I couldn’t be happier. Oh oh oh oh again! When Mr. Secretary and Commander Lady are revealed to be not only alive but apparently not restrained in any way and come in John Woo guns blazing? Who cares that there’s little monster content! “They call me Mr. Infallible!” I can see why, sir!

Oh man, I think, in a way the Millennium series might be my favorite? Toho finally caving and letting directors do what-the-fuck ever with G without regards to continuity is a wonderful idea, and one that really hearkens back to the Showa era's freewheeling attitude. I respect Heisei for trying to craft a relatively "serious" series where each film builds upon the next but, as we've talked about before, there really is a limit to what you can do with big monster stories. So Millennium just went bugfuck and ran with it, man! True, G2K and MEGAGUIRUS are fairly standard (if still well done) Godzilla plots, but just for the Kiryu duology and FINAL WARS, I give them all the credit. What are your feelings on the Millennium-era, T-Hawk?



If anything, I'm happy that the Millennium era managed to make the preposterously awesome Gigan even more crazy looking.  We've already discussed how Rob Liefeld-ian his design is, but GFW kicks it up a notch.  He's killed off early in the film by G at the South Pole, and after G's clobbered his way through the rest of the kaiju to the Xilians, he's revived and re-weaponized with a more cybernetic look.  Not only that, but his hook claws are replaced by DOUBLE CHAINSAWS.  Go ahead and slap Chainsaw Gigan on a YOUNGBLOOD cover already!  I also gotta mention Mothra's sweet finishing move to the Nebula Space M Hunter.  Gigan shoots twin razor discs at her, only to have them deflected by her wings and sent flying back at his neck.  His decapitated head falls to the ground, and Mothra incinerates the rest of him in a fiery, Phoenix explosion!  FATALITY.

There's definitely wilder experimentation in the Millennium era than the Heisei era, and I think the key difference between the two cycles can be found in the choice of directors.  They are fine Heisei flicks of course, yet most of them were made by longtime Toho company men who “stuck to formula” for better or worse.  The Millennium series could be compared to the current Marvel Cinematic Universe films in that the most vibrant entries are those where the helmers married their own idiosyncrasies with their childhood fondness of their beloved geek properties.  People like Joss Whedon and Shane Black brought excitement to Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and similarily, 'zilla-buffs Kitamura and Shusuke Kaneko breathed fresh life into the King of the Monsters for the new century.  From watching MONSTERS, it shouldn't be a surprise that G-nerd Gareth Edwards was chosen to give the big guy another shot at American fame.

And maybe it was time to cross the Atlantic again.  Despite all the 50th anniversary trumpeting, GFW ended up being the lowest grossing of all the Millennium films.  Perhaps fittingly, the final M-era flick was also the least attended G-film since TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA (which ended the Showa series also due to poor box office).  Yet again, the King of the Monsters was defeated by ticket sales, and as popular US blockbusters became more prominent in Japan, competition grew fiercer than any kaiju from the sea or outer space.  America had forced Godzilla out of Tokyo's theaters, so maybe it was time to pay the United States a visit...

We've completed the entire G film series at last, but we haven't reached the end yet!  Stay tuned as Luca and I wrap up our final thoughts on Godzilla, the franchise, our histories with the big guy, and everything else in between!  Keep your eyes focused on Monster Island!